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10 Insane Quotes From Trump’s New Laughing Stock Advisor, Michele Bachmann

by matt baume August 24, 2016

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Of course Michele Bachman, old crazy-eyes herself, is advising Trump. It makes perfect sense. If they weren’t rich, they’d be best friends in whatever insane asylum they’d been put in.

According to Michele herself, she’s moved from advising Donald Trump on religion to advising him on foreign policy, which is terrifying. Her reasoning: he opposes “radical Islam,” which makes sense because she’s a radical Christian.

Let’s hope he’s getting some of the quality advice that helped Michele make a name for herself — and that name was “national laughingstock.” Here’s a few examples of the times Michele’s made our heads spin:

1. “And I took a walk and I just went to prayer and I said Lord, what would you have me do in the Minnesota state senate? And just through prayer I knew that I was to introduce the marriage amendment in Minnesota.”

She was talking about an anti-gay-marriage amendment here. Sure, that time God told her to introduce a bill that would eventually be rejected by voters! Guess God just didn’t see that one coming.

2. “Help! I’m being held against my will.”

That’s how she responded when two women ran into her in a ladies’ room and asked her about her position on LGBT rights. Right, because being spoken to by a constituent is the same as being kidnapped.

3. “I had high heels on and I just couldn’t stand anymore. I was not in the bushes.”

That was Michele after she was noticed skulking around the greenery at a 2005 gay rights rally. To be fair, she wasn’t in the bushes. Just crouching behind them. Like a totally sane person.

4. “They can get married, but they abide by the same law as everyone else. They can marry a man if they’re a woman. Or they can marry a woman if they’re a man.”

Michele’s cogent explanation about why we already have gay marriage. Thanks Michele! Thanks for leading by example!

5. “We have a member of our family that is [lesbian]. This is not funny. It’s a very sad life. It’s part of Satan, I think, to say that this is gay.”

Ouch — Michele said that in a speech about a relative, Helen LaFave. LaFave wrote a letter to her stepsister  telling her, “You’ve taken aim at me. You’ve taken aim at my family,” and got no response. Thanksgiving must be a really fun time for the Bachmann house.

6. “[P]eople who are practicing pedophiles would be considered protected under this legislation, but not, I understand, veterans, not, I understand, pregnant women, not, I understand, 85-year-old grandmothers would be protected under this law. But who would be protected? A pedophile, someone who considers themselves gay, someone who considers themselves transgender, someone who considers themselves a cross-dresser? That is who is protected.”

That was Michele wringing her hands over hate-crime legislation. Never mind that age, veteran’s status, gender, and a whole bunch of other traits are already protected. No no, the important thing is to tie homosexuality to pedophelia, as they’ve been doing for decades because they never have any new ideas.

7. “This may be an opportunity for her now to be open to some spiritual things, now that she is suffering with that physical disease. She is a lesbian.”

Those was the get-well wishes Michele sent to Melissa Etheridge after the singer was diagnosed with breast cancer. What a wonderful, charitable, Christian response.

8. “The Lord says, ‘Be submissive wives; you are to be submissive to your husbands.”

Oof, well if anyone in the Bachman household knows about dom/sub relationships, we have to assume it’s her husband Marcus. Such a festive man! 

9. “If we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.”

Oh good idea! That’ll go over great in the south, where they have a bit of a history of offering jobs at rather low levels.

10. “Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn’t even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.”

Whew, that’s a relief! In that case, Michele, let us be the first to invite you to start breathing carbon monoxide exclusively.




matt baume
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