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Man “Butches Up” His Mannerisms, Wonders If He’s Being Untrue To Himself

by Graham Gremore March 11, 2016

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A man on Reddit hated his effeminate mannerisms, so he made a conscious effort to act more traditionally masculine. Now he wonders if he’s being untrue to himself.

“Growing up I was very effeminate,” the post begins. “I got a lot of flack for it as a kid.”

As a result, the man says, he developed “a major inferiority complex.”

Related: Do Gay Men Have A Problem With Gender Roles? “I’m A Masc, Dom Top Who Needs To Be Held”

He continues, “In recent years I became more confident and learned to stop comparing myself to others, and in turn, I was able to feel more comfortable while being masculine. I did make an active decision to change my mannerisms, purely because I didn’t like the way I looked in the mirror when I had effeminate gestures/mannerisms.”

The man goes on to say that his friends have started referring to him as “straight passing,” which has started to cause a rift between them.

Related: Writing “Masculine Only” In Your Online Profile Might Mean You’re Homophobic, Says Blogger

“These gay friends of mine are very feminine,” the man explains. “Recently, they’ve kind of accused me of being untrue to myself and self-hating for changing. They said if having feminine mannerisms comes natural to me then I should just embrace it rather than conform to society’s ideals and gender norms.”

“But am I conforming?” he wonders. “I simply just don’t like the way I look with feminine gestures/mannerisms and decided to change it.”

“Am I not being true to myself and self-hating for butching up my mannerisms when I’ve been effeminate all my life?”

Related: Study Finds Straight Men Still Think Gay Men Aren’t Masculine

Naturally, his fellow Reddit users had lots to say.

“As long as you feel more comfortable now, I don’t see any problem,” one person replies.

“I’m in the same boat as you,” another person adds. “Sometimes when I drink my pinky goes up. I changed that simply because it irritates me when I do that. We all have this image in our head of who we want to be and I didn’t want to be the guy who sips his drink with his pinky up.”

“Being true to yourself literally means doing whatever comes naturally to you and makes you happy,” a third person says. “If butching up makes you happy and more confident, butch it up.”

Related: Why Do Masculine Gay Guys Look Down On Feminine Guys?

But not everyone seems to agree.

“I mean… you changed your mannerisms because you hated them,” someone else writes. “I think that should answer your question enough. You did it because you were ostracized and picked on for your femininity, and you wanted to be able to pass by fitting societies standards.”

Another person adds: “I think that when you say you made an active decision to change your mannerisms purely because you didn’t like the way you looked in the mirror when you were more effeminate, you’re underplaying the pressure you were clearly under to conform to a particular way of being a man. That sounds like it required/requires a huge amount of effort and energy and self-policing, and I couldn’t imagine having to live that way.”

“If being ‘true to yourself’ makes you uncomfortable, then you’re not being true to yourself, you’re being true to someone’s expectation of you,’ a third person chimes in. “Tell them to go fuck a potato and just be you.”

What do you think? Is this man’s intentional “butching up” of his mannerisms the outward manifestation of a deep-seed self-hated? Sound off in the comments section below.

Graham Gremore
Graham Gremore


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