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Groundhog Day: Ben Carson Confirms Trump Might Pick Sarah Palin for VP

by matt baume May 16, 2016


Just in case you thought America had a functioning democracy, over the weekend noted idiot Ben Carson leaked a few details about a few of the other inmates currently in the running to finish the 200-year-old job of destroying the country.

Trump has, for reasons that will probably never be clear, allowed Ben Carson some measure of authority over choosing the Vice Presidential nominee. And while being shadowed by a Washington Post employee, Ben just blabbed some of the names that they’re considering. And among them was walking patois Sarah Palin.

Also on the list: John Kasich, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and Chris Christie.

But it seems unlikely that Trump would pick any of these court jesters. John Kasich is boring, Marco Rubio is a turnip, Ted Cruz has a voice like someone hooked a vacuum cleaner up to a saxophone, and Chris Christie just makes everyone sad. Sarah Palin is more aligned with Trump’s brand, in that she is an actual crazy person from another planet. But even she is too predictable. Trump will undoubtedly want to choose someone shocking who we never saw coming.

That’s why, in a few weeks, we can probably look forward to an announcement about Trump teaming up with the comedian Gallagher; or Michael Jordan; or the man who invented the selfie stick. Somebody so unpredictably bizarre that we cannot resist the urge to discuss the choice at length until we are even more nauseated than we thought possible.

After the article was published, in fact, Carson attempted to clarify: they’re considering everyone for the post, so yes, of course Sarah Palin is on the list. But they’re not ruling anyone out, so it could be Elton John or Bill Nye or the ghost of Pablo Picasso for all we know.

And so there you have it: the country could soon be in the hands of some bumbling henchmen sidekicks, with a level of competence commensurate with someone who might follow The Penguin around. America! You can’t say we don’t get the leaders we deserve.

matt baume
matt baume


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