Cyber Monday 50% OFF SITE WIDE! Check it out now | Free Shipping + Financing Available!

Her Husband No Longer Wants To Have Sex So He’s Gotta Be Gay–Right?!

by Derek de Koff June 07, 2016


When once-languid kisses turn into robotic pecks, lonely lovers are left to lie around and ask, “Why?”

Well, one such lonely lover took matters into her own hands by requesting the wisdom of her local advice columnist, “Dear Annie.”

Related: Mom Seeks Advice: “My Gay Teen Son Embarrasses Me At Church”

“He does not like to be touched,” she writes to Hutch. “There is no cuddling. We don’t have sex. There is nothing.

Married for eight years, “Lonely” assures “Annie” that they had truckloads of sex before tying the knot.

But since saying “I do,” they don’t have any sort of physical connection. :(

I long for an intimate relationship. Whenever we had sex, it was because I initiated it or complained that we never had sex. It’s been eight months now and I just don’t have it in me to try anymore. And he obviously doesn’t miss it.”

Well, this “Annie” columnist doesn’t offer much in the way of advice, and decides to sadistically stoke the fires of the young woman’s anxieties instead.

Like an evil “best friend,” she offers an increasingly hysterical glut of “What if’s…?”

Does your husband have other redeeming qualities or does the lack of intimacy trump everything else? Has he had a physical checkup? It could be a hormonal imbalance like low testosterone, or erectile dysfunction. Is he asexual? Is he gay and using the marriage to stay in the closet? Is he depressed? Has he lost interest in you? Is he having an affair?

Is he a serial killer using her as a beard? Is he a spooky ghost only she can see? Is he screwing “Dear Annie”…?

Related: These Terrible Grindr Tips Are Guaranteed To Get You Laid

“Annie” suggests the beleaguered wife should confront her aloof buzzkill husband with her concerns, weirdly advising, “Don’t be coy…”

Ask him directly about each of these issues. You can offer to accompany him to his doctor to discuss it. You can insist that the two of you return to counseling to sort this out. But if he refuses to talk about the problem and will not seek treatment of any kind, your decision is whether you are better off with him or without him the way he is.

Perhaps she should sit him down and show him a copy of the “Dear Annie” column. That should get him going.

Derek de Koff
Derek de Koff


Leave a comment

Comments will be approved before showing up.

Also in Think

Oh Look, Another Antigay Skeleton In Trump AG Pick Jeff Sessions’ Closet

by matt baume December 02, 2016

Here's the latest atrocity from our potential new Attorney General.

Continue Reading →

Learn To Make A “Shade Cake” With BenDeLaCreme & Win A Trip To DragCon 2017

by Tim Winfred December 02, 2016

Summer’s over sweetheart, and class is in session. BenDeLaCreme and This Free Life have teamed up to create a fierce (and free!) new online course entitled “Home Ec: The Art of Domestic Realness.” Enroll today in DeLa’s four-part course to learn how to make a flawless shade cake… and so much more! Plus, once you complete [...]

Continue Reading →

ICYMI: Leaked Videos Surface Of Brazilian Gymnasts Arthur Zanetti And Sergio Sasaki

by Dan Tracer December 02, 2016

If seeing is believing, they’ve got one serious training regimen.

Continue Reading →