We may live in a time when gays and lesbians are allowed to serve openly in the military, but that certainly doesn’t mean coming out is everyone’s choice.
For one gay former special ops soldier and current overseas contractor, living a double life has been a more attractive choice than unifying his work/personal identities.
And while he maintains the separation is right for him (and who are we to say he’s wrong?), that much compartmentalizing can’t always be easy.
Below, he answers questions from curious minds online:
When/how did you realize you were gay? Does your family know?
I always new I was different. Through high school, a lot of people thought I was shy, boring or introverted and what not but in reality I just wasn’t interested in girls. I had a high school girlfriend, but that was because that’s just what you did in high school. After we graduated, we got married because that’s what everyone else was doing. Shockingly, it didn’t last! My first experience wasn’t until my early 20’s. It was a very confusing time for me, because I felt like I “shouldn’t” like guys. I dealt with a lot of different emotions and there was definitely an internal struggle that didn’t subside until I was able to come to terms and accept who and how I was. Even then though, I never wanted to be defined by my sexuality, so I never “came out.” I always wanted my reputation to be: “yeah, he is a solid dude..” Not “yeah, he is a solid dude…..for a queer/homo/gay/swish/etc” All that being said, living a double life and keeping secrets isn’t healthy, psychology or emotionally, but that’s just the price I felt and feel like I have to pay. It’s a trade off that I think is worth it. My father passed away a number of years ago, but my mother and siblings know. They have come to accept it, but I don’t rub their noses in it.
Are you proud of what you do or do you simply view it as a job?
Yes, I took a lot of pride in what I did and still do. Part of it is being a professional and wanting to do a good job. Part of it is that I believed in the mission. A large part of it is that I loved the guys I served with. They were and are my brothers.
How do u control your face to not betray your emotions?
For example, when you see a hot dude you might bite your lip for a second, then be like ‘Oh shit I hope no one caught me’?
I’ve always been good at compartmentalizing things. When I’m “at work” or “out with the guys” I just keep it locked down and stay in character, so to speak. The reason for that has always been my desire to be associated with being a professional and keeping my private life private.
Also, I’ve never been attracted to a guy I’ve served with, who I consider my brothers. Being attracted to one of them would be similar to being attracted to a sibling, if that makes sense.
Do the guys you date ever try and pressure you to come out?
No, I haven’t been in many LTR’s. Mostly brief flings during vacation or it’s been casual and/or discreet.
How do you go about picking up dudes discretely?
Back in the day, it was harder. Now, with online dating, it’s pretty easy. If I could get away or was on vacation, go to a bar or club.
Is you preference Twinks, Bears or it doesn’t matter?
Not into Bears, other than that it’s really about the connection. It may be conceited, but if someone isn’t in to me, I lose interest quickly.
Are you, or have you ever been in a LTR while keeping it a secret?
Yes and it is exhausting, but necessary.
I wanna a six pack. Tips?
Your body comp is 80% nutrition, so get that dialed in and you should be good to go. Stay in a caloric deficit. I’d recommend Paleo and Crossfit, but I’m biased. There are a ton of physique competitors that post composition prep diets and workouts and they will all work.
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