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Mary Berry Leaves Great British Bake Off; Bottoms Everywhere Soggy

by matt baume September 22, 2016


Stop the presses. Stop the mixers. Turn off your creme brulee torch. For God’s sake, get away from the mezzaluna.

Mary Berry is leaving the Great British Bake Off.

Henceforth, we can only assume, the show will be known as the “Okay British Bake Off.” And wait, it gets worse: Paul Hollywood is staying, one assumes so that he may continue to bellow like a numb-tongued musk ox.

“A peacocking manchild lingering wherever the money is, I am shocked,” said former contestant Ruby Tandoh.

A Channel 4 executive sought to calm everyone down by saying, “Paul really is the star baker.” Oh Jesus Christ.

The reason for Mary’s departure, she says, is loyalty to the BBC. (The show is moving to Channel 4.) But what could the real reason be? Is she perhaps tired of the headaches caused by rolling one’s eyes at everything Paul says?

Along with Mary go the presenters, Mel and Sue, and their frisson of manic pixie sexual tension. So, without the personalities, what exactly is Channel 4 getting?

“A few pots and pans,” says a parody Mary Berry account.

Well, it was a nice run, but British cuisine is hereby cancelled.

That parody account has been saying a few other things as well:

matt baume
matt baume


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