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Pastor Exorcises Donald Trump, Claims He’s Under A “Concentrated Satanic Attack”

by Derek de Koff September 22, 2016


Satanic attacks are always intense, but when it’s a concentrated Satanic attack? That’s hardly ever good news.

Donald Trump, currently running for President, is allegedly right in the middle of one of these hardcore “concentrated Satanic attacks,” which may partly explain why his flesh is the color of a wintry citrus parfait.

At some sort of crackpot powwow in Cleveland on Wednesday, an evangelical pastor named Darrell Scott claimed that five years ago, an anonymous “nationally known preacher” promised that if Trump ran for the presidency, he’d face a “concentrated Satanic attack,” according to Right Wing Watch.

Related: “Gay Voice” Donald Trump Is Back, 100% Better Than Real Trump

This mysterious unnamed preacher warned of “a demon, principalities and powers, that are going to war against you on a level that you’ve never seen before.”

“I’m watching it every day,” Scott says, vaguely.

Related: Donald Trump Jr. Does NOT Want You To Taste The Rainbow

In order to combat the forces of evil, Pastor Scott does what any totally fucking nuts person in their right mind would do: He threw an impromptu ritual where a select band of minions touched the real, honest-to-God, ever-bristly Donald Trump as the pastor’s wife Belinda begged the powers that be to “give him the anointing to lead this nation.”

Right, because that doesn’t sound Satanic at all.


Derek de Koff
Derek de Koff


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