Free shipping over $99 | Interest Free *no credit check* financing is available!

Pastor Exorcises Donald Trump, Claims He’s Under A “Concentrated Satanic Attack”

by Derek de Koff September 22, 2016

screen-shot-2016-09-22-at-1-37-21-pm

Satanic attacks are always intense, but when it’s a concentrated Satanic attack? That’s hardly ever good news.

Donald Trump, currently running for President, is allegedly right in the middle of one of these hardcore “concentrated Satanic attacks,” which may partly explain why his flesh is the color of a wintry citrus parfait.

At some sort of crackpot powwow in Cleveland on Wednesday, an evangelical pastor named Darrell Scott claimed that five years ago, an anonymous “nationally known preacher” promised that if Trump ran for the presidency, he’d face a “concentrated Satanic attack,” according to Right Wing Watch.

Related: “Gay Voice” Donald Trump Is Back, 100% Better Than Real Trump

This mysterious unnamed preacher warned of “a demon, principalities and powers, that are going to war against you on a level that you’ve never seen before.”

“I’m watching it every day,” Scott says, vaguely.

Related: Donald Trump Jr. Does NOT Want You To Taste The Rainbow

In order to combat the forces of evil, Pastor Scott does what any totally fucking nuts person in their right mind would do: He threw an impromptu ritual where a select band of minions touched the real, honest-to-God, ever-bristly Donald Trump as the pastor’s wife Belinda begged the powers that be to “give him the anointing to lead this nation.”

Right, because that doesn’t sound Satanic at all.

Watch:




Derek de Koff
Derek de Koff

Author


Leave a comment

Comments will be approved before showing up.


Also in Think

State Senate Candidate Calls Gay Teen Who Committed Suicide A Murderer, Internet Comes For Him

by Derek de Koff September 29, 2016

The below comment was written by Jason Christensen, a man currently running for Utah State Senate, in regards to a teenager who committed suicide last week over his sexuality: Since being posted on Reddit earlier today, it’s drummed up considerable outrage, with hundreds of people demanding that Christensen’s political career come to an abrupt and inauspicious end. Related: Andrew Christian Model [...]

Continue Reading →

You Can’t Unsee The Hillary “Shimmy Song”

by Jeff Taylor September 29, 2016

Earworm warning: this one will burrow its way into your brain. You’ve seen the shimmy GIFs and memes, now this growing phenomenon has its own song, and it’s…well, kind of annoying actually, but still somewhat amusing. Related: Randy Rainbow Moderates The First Debate; It’s Super The lyrics center around how Hillary Clinton won the first debate [...]

Continue Reading →

Justin Theroux Reflects On Those Infamous ‘Leftovers’ Sweatpants Photos

by Graham Gremore September 29, 2016

It was August 2014. The Leftovers was wrapping up its first season on HBO and the entire Internet was in a tizzy over Justin Theroux’s sweatpants. More specifically, what was flopping around underneath the sweatpants he was wearing in the opening scene of an episode. In case you need a refresher, here you go: After making national headlines, [...]

Continue Reading →