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She Watched Her Boyfriend Have Sex With A Guy. Now, The Spark Is Gone.

by Derek de Koff September 08, 2016


Sometimes an open mind is all you need to tear your life asunder. A young woman thought she’d see how the swinging side lives, and found herself in gooey unchartered territory that turned her every waking moment into a steamy cesspool of uncertainty.

Related: What It’s Really Like To Date A Bi Guy

Seeking out advice on Reddit, a certain Forreasons-throwaway sings her song of woe. Take it away, “Forreasons-throwaway”:

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. Our relationship, in general, is really good. He suggested a MMF threesome, saying that he would like to also try things with the other guy. We did it. The threesome was going really well at first but at one point the guy we did it with engaged my boyfriend in anal sex. I had no idea that my boyfriend wanted it to go that far and it was a huge shock to me – I thought he only wanted to try soft-core type stuff. Seeing him in that position… was quite unattractive to say the least. I am having a lot of trouble seeing him the same way I saw him beforehand and I really need some advice.”

They wanted to try this experiment with a stranger, so they found a guy online. Things started off awkward, then they got hot. And then they got soul-bendingly awkward.

“It became clear that John was trying to have anal sex with him,” she writes. “It was at this point that my bf rolled off me onto the bed beside me. I expected him to be angry, but he simply laid back with his eyes tightly closed…. As it went on, my boyfriend just pulled me really tightly to his chest and made quiet grunts until John finished.”

Related: Would You Date Someone Who Identifies As Bisexual?

Things have changed. Now she feels “really conflicted.” She didn’t think he was “that type of guy.” It’s all been “incredibly jarring”.

“Seeing him laying there on his back, quietly moaning, while being penetrated by another guy… it was just… not attractive?”

(Are you sure…?)

Now it’s been three weeks and she “can’t get the memories out of my head.” She’s having trouble seeing him the way she used to. As Bat For Lashes once asked, What’s a girl to do?

Related: Would All The Bisexual Men Please Stand Up?

As you might have predicted, Reddit commentators had much to say. (The post has been locked due to the overwhelming amount of comments that broke Reddit rules.)

“Bad communication led you and him there,” scolds LV106.

Invader_zero agrees. “You really should have discussed boundaries before you did anything.”

“If you leave him just known that you’re not wrong for doing so,” says WillWorkForLTC.

“It comes off to me as a little homophobic,” says wantsemall. “Sort of a ‘oh, he’s not one of those kinds’ vibe. There might be a good opportunity here for you to unpack how you feel about that.”

“This is one of those really, really normal pitfalls encountered by people who are first trying nonmonogamy,” writes andthecrash. “Did he have the anal sex planned in advance? If so, he should have communicated that better to you.”

On and on.

Anyway. Obviously threesomes can be consciousness-raising adventures in self-exploration and even reinvigorate a relationship that’s getting a little pain-by-numbers. They can also be meh, whut, or blecch. And sometimes they’re a good way to weed out garden-variety narcissists and sociopaths, who can be relied upon to use triangulation as an airy ploy to keep themselves at the center of attention and turn everyone into a big mess.

Derek de Koff
Derek de Koff


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