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Why Is Rick Perry Doing Dancing With the Stars?

by matt baume August 30, 2016

rick-perry-confused

Disgusting man Rick Perry, former governor of Texas, just got cast on Dancing with the Stars. So is this just a very charitable definition of star?

Rick Perry — who, you’ll recall, really really really hates gays — just spent the last few years at a career crossroads. If things had gone his way, he’d have become president. Instead, he will be waltzing poorly for America to laugh at.

Apparently he’s planning to use the platform to raise money for veterans. We’ve heard this sort of promise from Republicans before, so the veterans might want to ask for Rick’s donations in cash rather than check.

Joining Rick will be his intellectual peer, Ryan Lochte. Also Vanilla Ice, Babyface, Marilu Henner, and a whole bunch of people who will make you say, “not sure who that is but I think I saw them listed as a featured guest that one time I watched a CSI with my mom.”

In case you need a refresher on Rick, he’s the guy who said that being gay is like being an alcoholic, and that that both groups could just choose to stop their destructive behavior. He also supported ex-gay torture camps. Nice guy! Should be fun to watch him twirl around on a dance floor.

There are also long-standing rumors about him being gay — but who knows, rumors are easy to start, and this particular one was fueled by a Ron Paul supporter, so it doesn’t exactly come with a veneer of trustworthiness.




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