By: Shannon Ralph
What better way to combat the torment of spending the holidays with your family than to giggle at the expense of other poor souls subjected to painfully awkward family encounters?
Call bullshit on your teen when he starts to think he is smarter than you!
We all think (say?) it at least once (or a dozen times?) a day. These notes will help you effectively communicate the source of your bewilderment when mere words fail you.
For those mornings when coffee alone just won’t cut it!
One of the most dreaded questions in all of parenthood is the ubiquitous “What’s for dinner?” Coolio, The Ghetto Gourmet, to the rescue!
It takes a special kind of superhero to whisk a screaming toddler out of Target in a single bound. Display your status proudly!
Too tired for a playdate? Can’t fathom another PTA meeting? Need 5 minutes to pee in peace? The Instant Excuse Ball has your back!
Finally! Someplace other than your purse or your pocket to store all the broken restaurant crayons and dried markers and half-eaten granola bars and booger-filled tissues and wet underwear and dirty socks and hand sanitizer and used wipes and previously chewed gum and all the other random crap you manage to accumulate as a parent!
9. Booger Barn
I learned many, many years ago to never accept anything my child hands me without close inspection first. Now you can “dispose of your boogers the proper and discreet way by putting them in the Barn and then, if needed, you can wipe your finger on the high quality felt pad under the lid.” Wow.
Don’t even try to pretend that you are not highly medicated at this very moment!
You’re a parent. Your expertise in cat-herding notwithstanding, there’s a pretty good chance you are running late.
Give your beloved children a head start on the therapy you will inevitably be paying for a few years down the road.
If begging and pleading doesn’t work, perhaps abject terror will finally persuade your children to let you sleep in past 5:46 A.M. on a Saturday morning.
We’ll give you props for trying, but let’s be honest, you are no Betty Crocker. Coolio may not even be able to help you. But that’s okay. You can rock frozen chicken nuggets like no one’s business! Own it. Wear it.
Because we all know this look. We’ve all been there.
17. Meh Ornament
There are moments when simply no other word will suffice.
18. This Apron
Because truer words have never been emblazoned an article of culinary outerwear.
Any woman who has experienced the indescribable joy of an 8-pound fetus break-dancing on her bladder for months on end will appreciate the value of this little gift.
Okay, let’s be honest. The zombie sleep mask WILL fail.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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