By: Shannon Ralph
Merry Christmas! It’s been a while. I think the last time I wrote to you was when I was 11 years old. That was the year my dad died and the year before I pestered my mother so much about your existence that she finally yelled at me in a fit of exasperation, “Fine! He’s not real! Are you happy, dammit!?” In a twisted sort of way, I was quite happy. What twelve-year-old doesn’t want to be right?
Over the thirty years since then, however, I’ve come to miss our letters. I’ve come to miss our dependable exchanges. No one really tells me that I’ve been a good girl anymore. I think I’ve made the Nice List this year, but no one acknowledges it once you get past a certain age. There are no accolades. No jovial men with comfy laps who hug you tight and tell you how amazing you are. No one pops by my cubicle at work to hand me a candy cane and tell me all my Christmas wishes will come true. No one “ho, ho, hos” when I tell them what I really want for Christmas. No one.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I miss you, Santa.
You and I have more in common than you may think. Like you, I am a self-avowed cookie lover and a Weight Watchers drop-out. Like you, I love nothing more than a good cup of cocoa and some warm woolen socks. Like you, I have a devoted wife and a house full of mischievous minions. Like you, I love other people’s children. And like you, I would really prefer seeing most of them one day a year—as they slept. So see…we are not so very different.
Perhaps we can reconnect? Become pen pals again?
Maybe I should start with my grown-up Christmas list. I don’t mean to sound selfish but, you know, it’s kind of what we do. I tell you what I want for Christmas and you assure me that I’ve been good enough to receive it. It’s a tad dysfunctional, I’ll admit, but it’s sort of what you signed up for when you donned that somewhat outdated (we’re friends, so we can be honest with one another, right?) red suit. So, here goes. I will try to keep this brief as I am sure you are still trying to get through my daughter’s recent lengthy and extensive list of demands.
For Christmas this year, I would like:
So that’s pretty much my list for the year. I’m so glad we are reconnecting, Santa. You’ve been a good friend to me and I hope we keep in touch.
Please give your lovely wife a hug from me.
P.S. I picked out an especially delicious-looking cookie recipe from Pinterest for you this year! Gluten-free, sugar-free, vegan, raw peanut butter banana chickpea cookies. Yum!
Photo Credit: David Goehring
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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