By: Danny Thomas
we need adventures
they keep us vital
keep us alert
keep the devils off our heels.
but I’ll tell you what, this change…
it is finally getting to me.
Last February we found out we were moving from northern Minnesota to upstate New York… I was ecstatic.
I was ecstatic because I saw it as an escape pod.
A chance for a change I desperately needed.
Why did I need a change?
Our family was trying to sustain a life out of balance…
You might ask, aren’t we all?
But in our case, the moments of balance, of harmony and accord
were there, and joyful…
there was a pallor over our lives
Tension… and unease… beyond control.
It felt as if we were perpetually desperate to keep up… to get a foothold.
It was getting harder and harder to relax because any downtime, we knew, would come at a cost.
Now we have moved.
Things are changing.
And it’s weird. And hard. And different.
We have all these adjustments to make
and as a family
to our rhythms
and our cycles.
A lot of it is obviously and very clearly better
and a lot of it is clearly going to be better
and less stressful
and more comfortable
and more balanced…
but in the meantime it’s different.
And that feels weird
and it makes us sad.
Things aren’t around
that used to be around.
And there is some stuff here
that isn’t as good
not yet anyway
it won’t ever be.
And there are things and people that we left behind,
our instinct, our reflex is to try and replace them…
and we can’t replace them,
We just have to evolve,
find new things
and that takes time.
But right now…
we are kind of sad…
and we get stomach aches.
And sometimes we wake up
and it’s hard to fall back to sleep
and we stare out the window
and listen to the wind
and the cars
and the horse drawn carriages
and the rain…
It’s happened to all five of us…
that awake, phantom limb feeling
of someone who should be there
who’s not there…
That acute disappointment of expectations unmet.
we don’t have a good word for this
but in Portuguese they call it suadade
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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