by: Danny Thomas
it’s been way too long since I’ve posted…
I’ve been trying, believe me, I’ve been trying.
it’s a combination of this new life using up all my time and wearing me out,
and the million billion things having this new life makes me want to write about…
but i have been letting these things block me for too long –
I am just going to try let it all out today in any fashion possible organized or not…. and unblock…
with the hopes that I can work to fit writing into my schedule again – even though so much of it is filled now with working…
sometimes the best way for me to deal with a million billion things – especially things as peripatetic as thoughts –
is to make a list,
so that’s what I am doing today to liquidplummerize my writing and get back into a cycle…
some of the million billion thoughts, in bullets… they are almost all contradictory…
• I am finally having to grow up, put the big boy pants on and carry some economic burden.
• it sucks to grow up
• its great to grow up
• its nice to support my family in this way
• it feels good to relieve my wife of some of our economic stress
• its hard to support my family in this way
• it does not feel good to have the pressure of supporting my family factor in to how I feel and think about my job performance
• I am not built to work like this
• I should be making art and music and writing
• I can do anything I set my mind to
• It takes time, practice, learning and patience
• this is a great job with lots of interesting challenges
• its fun and hard and exhausting learning new stuff
• learning new stuff=making mistakes=emotional roller coaster
• I need therapy
• I need acupuncture
• I need a massage
• emotional roller coasters are hard
• learning new stuff, making mistakes, overcoming hardship, enjoying challenges = good things to model for my kids
• working full time makes me miss my kids a lot during the day
• missing my kids a lot during the day makes it easier to put up with a lot of their shit on the evenings and weekends
• we really play hard and relax hard and our togetherness is more together now that i work full time
• it is hard to fit exercise in to this full time work life
• it is hard to fit a creative life in to this full time work life
• it is hard to get the laundry done
• it is hard to keep up with the dishes
• the kitchen floor is gross
• the dining room floor is gross
• the stairs need to be vacuumed
• I can barely read more than 3 pages of any book at night – including Winnie the Pooh, to my kids – before my eyes slam shut.
• it has been hard to learn how to work from home and sometimes hearing my kids in the house and not being able to go to them, or hearing my wife get hassled by the kids and not being able to come to her aid – is like torture
• shifting from part-time, non-profit, artsy jobs for the last ten+ years to a more than full time, corporate, sciencey, start-up job is a major culture shock
• add to that working from home and the work itself…
• this process been layer upon layer of multitudinous learning curves
• I wish I could talk to my dad about all this
• his job 30 years ago was a lot like what I do now…
• he was training people to use computerized accounting systems
• I am training people to integrate accounting systems and put those systems on the cloud…
• cats in the cradle…
• my dad would have a lot of thoughts on dealing with the internal turmoil of being a poet type person who has to “punch the clock” as it were – to make ends meet.
• there are so many things about this job that are great and interesting and unique…
• it is a great fit for a creative person in many ways
• there is so much opportunity to be innovative and imaginative and problem solve
• and work with people…
• and there is also this voice in the back of my head doubting if I can hack it
• and also questioning if it is the right place for me
• it might be the same voice…just…disguising itself…
i am so glad i have my family.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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