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Grace and Balance

by Danny Thomas January 14, 2013

By Danny Thomas

I haven’t written in a really long time
I’ve been “too busy living life”

Or something…
The thing I have to get into my stubborn or lazy brain
Is that, for me writing is part of living life
So being too busy to do it
Just doesn’t make sense
But hell
I’ve practically been too busy to do my paying job

Is busy the word?
Busy cleaning up after sick kids
And being sick
And having medical procedures
And pondering time travel
And loyalty
And espionage
And marriage
And parenting
And time
And death
And entropy
And thoughts and thoughts and thoughts…
And oh the list…
There is so much on my mind
That writing, putting the thoughts to words…
feels like trying to funnel the sea…

There is this pain and joy and this mixture of them both…
There is time…  and changes…
and the bittersweet impermanence of things.
These really are all I want to focus on…
And do…
And think about…
And sing about and write about…

And yet part of what makes that mixture exist is the wanting.
So I keep myself wanting?
To write,
So that at some point
I’ll have something to write about?
Is that all?
That seems way to simple…
and stupid.

That can’t be it…
There are other things I want.
And too many real, corporeal things, that truly obstruct my ability to achieve fruition…
As a writer,
Hell, as a human.

My wife and I are doing a major re-arrange and purge…
These things usually take three weeks or so…
I mean…the actual shifting of the plates…
The pressure has been building
On a tectonic level
For months
The Feng Shui in our house has never been right.

But we’ve also never had the coinciding, time, gumption, energy, and wherewithal to make the massive adjustments required to settle in… we don’t really have all those things now, but we have crumbs of enough of them to make a go…

We have been in this house a year and a half… and really have never completely finished moving in… the point is, it takes a while…
Stages… planning, talking, re-talking, forgetting…
The frustration and joy of communication.
Then the actual movement comes…
The stairs, the snow, the lost pieces, blocked pathways, pinched fingers, and impossible angles…
The frustration and joy of change and objective action.

I’ve been down in the basement
Going through boxes of books – trying to reduce the stack of kid books by half…
Understand, there is a bookshelf of books in their room… the basement books are “on rotation.”
Two medium size moving boxes full – and two standard book boxes full…
I figure one of each of these is a reasonable reduction at this time
So I am sorting into a purge pile
And a “keep” pile..
Some are kept because I have not read them yet
Some because I’ve read them too many times
Some are tossed because they are too worn
Some kept because their scars are familiar and comforting.
And I came across a handful of books that are “Our family is having a new baby…” type books.
I was stunned… paralyzed.
I can’t even find the right words
To commit to paper
The onslaught of thoughts and emotions…

Get rid of this book? Yes? No? Why?
The flash of thoughts and emotions…
Jen told me she recently had a similar experience while organizing Zuzu’s closet…
The baby blankets…
Are they obsolete in this house?
Keepsakes only?

Why do we keep these things…?
How do we know what we will need or not need?
Why is it so hard to let them go?


The post Grace and Balance appeared first on The Next Family.

Danny Thomas
Danny Thomas


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