By Madge Woods
The holidays are upon us and my head has been spinning since October. The culmination of the imagined spinning has morphed into real spinning (benign positional vertigo). It all started in August when I decided to end a 12-year relationship and, without this person in my life, I went off to Provincetown. I painted, walked, rode a bike. I put out to the universe that I was ready for something or someone new in my life. I guess I should’ve been more specific about what I wanted. I went to one of the gayest cities in America hoping to, I don’t know, fall for a gay man?
I have always had a knack for picking unavailable men, but I always maintained this hope that they would change their ways and become my “person”. But falling for a gay man was never in my realm of thought. I have always had male friends, but I have never been attracted to them other than the way in which they were presented to me in my life. But my latest foray has sent me far afield from someone attainable; I met a man 100% unavailable to me (except for friendship). There is no chance or hope that this man will ever be what I really can have and want in my wheelhouse for a boyfriend.
His qualities are ones of honesty, enthusiasm, and a love of shoes. We text a lot. I get photos of his dog, his Thanksgiving tablecloth (which he made himself), and, well, his shoes. We have become the best of friends and really do care about each other, that I am sure of. But as far as my needs and wants for a boyfriend, I know this simply isn’t going to happen. But what he has shown me, in a very short time, is what I do want in a straight man. I want the qualities of a gay man with a very well developed female side –one who engages in conversations on all topics, is attentive, who is there for me, and who appreciates my kindness and enthusiasm for life. I want someone who can handle his life and has it relatively together. And I want someone who is… AVAILABLE.
I am now convinced I can share my life with a man. (I wasn’t so sure before my latest adventure.) It is time to let someone in. I think that my picking a gay man to fall in love with is my ultimate way of telling myself to pick in a different direction.
As for the 12-year relationship that I left behind, we have texted and talked and have become phone buddies again. But I have not seen him since returning from Provincetown. My new friend has become a constant in my life. He is a texter which I have learned to enjoy. His texts come at all hours of the day and night and remind me that I have found a very valuable new relationship. Platonic as can be, but much richer in ways I never could have envisioned.
So I guess my hopes for someone new in my life DID materialize, just not in the form I expected. Life constantly puts out challenges to test our visions, our loves, likes, and our friendships –both old and new.
I have been flying as high as a kite the last 8 weeks, but I am coming out of the clouds and landing back on terra firma.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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