The last year has been the hardest of my life. I know I’ve only been blogging about my divorce for a few months and I did have a timeline of how I was going to lay it all out, but with Thanksgiving having just passed, I feel the need to skip a little ahead. Well, ahead with the story that also requires a few major “flashbacks” if you will.
I am truly thankful for my divorce. If my ex-husband had never left me, I don’t think I would have ever left my marriage. My counselor says that my “moral compass” would not have allowed me to and I totally agree with that theory. I didn’t want my kids to come from a divorced home. I didn’t want my kids to have to struggle or not feel whole. I was “okay” in my marriage. It was fine. I was surviving but I certainly wasn’t thriving. I was able to grow as a person and do some pretty amazing things in the last twelve years but I wasn’t where I should have been. I wasn’t 100% myself, and how could I be? I married a man.
Now don’t get me wrong, I loved my husband. He was my best friend. When we met I thought he would make a great husband and father and he had this wonderful large extended family (and I did want to be a wife and mother and always wanted a big family) so I felt fine with proceeding. Over the years I settled into the role of traditional wife and mother with a few “out of the box” adventures, which included continuing to be one of the biggest GLBT allies I knew. I thought I was happy with all of it, or at least what I thought happy meant. Looking back, I can see it wasn’t happy really, it just was. I was incredibly happy with my children and loved them so very much, however, my best friend had definitely become my roommate. There were lots of times where I brainstormed how I could make my marriage better but I would never follow through. My husband was lonely and I felt bad about it but didn’t want to put forth the effort physically because it wasn’t what I wanted. There were even times when he was upstairs on the computer or playing games on the xbox and I was downstairs watching TV and folding laundry and I would daydream about us not being together. But I would never leave. I just couldn’t.
Lucky for me, he left. It was a surprise and quick and painful but he did it. He did what I would have never done. And even with all the bullshit that he did the months before he left and is still doing today, I wouldn’t go back there for anything. Him leaving gave me the opportunity to finally be me, 100% me. So I made the decision to go for it. To live the life I never had the courage to live before. To be myself, to be attracted to and to love who I wanted, and to show my children the lessons I had been teaching them for years. That love is love.
I promise to fill you in on the last several months of becoming the real me and the years of piecing it together but for now I will just say I’m thankful for many things this year, one being my divorce –because without it, I would have never embraced and celebrated who I have always been and in turn I would have never met the love of my life, Erin. And SHE is absolutely amazing.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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