By: Chris Coyne
This blog will prove the hardest to write of all my entries. I know the words. I know how I want them to sound but all I feel is lost.
Should you read back on my blogs you’d know the impossible situations my husband and I have been through. We survived a failed adoption two and a half years ago after a birthmother decided to parent her identical twin girls (after she drained our savings). Then, thanks to an introduction to a new attorney, we matched with a great birthmother who never questioned her decision to have us parent and now we are lucky to have our CJ.
A few months back, after deciding to expand our family and after completing the exhausting home studies and paperwork, we matched with a new birthmother. We have been on a rough road with her. She has had to move multiple times, needed everything under the sun. I love some drama but I hit my max during the holidays when we found out she was considering other adoptive parents. She had given birth to a little boy three years ago and she was not able to get as many pictures and letters about her firstborn and she was questioning whether or not we would be her perfect match. Soon after the holidays she signed some papers that made us her official choice, but we always wondered what was going on in her mind.
That was a couple of months ago. Since then she needed a new bed; we complied because we did not want our baby mama sleeping on a futon on the floor while carrying our child. She lost or broke her cell phone a couple of times. She needed a little extra for this and that and every ask required multiple calls with our California-based attorney to get her the funds.
We booked airfare for our birthmom months back using frequent flyer miles. We lined up a place for her and one for us and we rented a car all in time for her trip to Los Angeles. And then knowing it was our last chance to get away, Jon and I headed to New York for a baby-cation. We saw a Broadway show, had long dinners and, one night, way too many drinks. We were feeling good about the situation and spent most of the time talking about how great it was to be us. Saturday morning we woke with bad headaches and multiple text messages from our birthmother. She had lost her wallet and it was a holiday weekend and she had no way to get on an airplane.
We also returned home to a sick baby. CJ had contracted a cold and a bad case of pink eye so we rushed him to urgent care. We were feeling pretty down and guilty for not being home for him. We started getting more texts from our birthmom. She needed cash so she could run to the DMV, and she needed it immediately. I had to rush around town to get money wired to her. When it was all said and done I called her but she did not take my call. In fact I did not hear from her until Monday -the afternoon before her scheduled flight. She was feeling a little down. She did not sleep well and she had a full day of running around thanks to losing her wallet.
We went to bed feeling a little excited. We had to jump through some hoops to get her on a flight but the time was here! We both tossed and turned in bed. At 12:30 am I received a number of texts from her. She was freaking out and on the way to the hospital because she felt like she was having a breakdown. She did not know if she was strong enough to go through all of it again. She was so sorry to hurt us but she could not do it…
I immediately called our attorney letting him know she had changed her mind. He was shocked, we were shocked, it was confusing. I turned off my phone. We did not sleep that night. My mind rushed from here to there but I refused to turn my phone back on. I was in a dark place and I was afraid she’d say more.
The morning came but it was the longest night ever. Jon decided it was better to go to work and move on. He called his family. It was too early to call anyone on my side so I ran out to Target to get this or that. I do not know why but I thought I could just move on. I walked around, drank some coffee. Walked and ended up back in my car. I called my mom.
I do not recall driving home. Jon came home from work too. We needed to be together. CJ proved able to keep us out of the dark angry place our hearts wanted to be in. We made it through that night.
Time should heal. It does, we know, but imagine being through this two times. We were told one of every ten adoptions fails, so our odds looked good. Our attorney spoke to our birthmother. She is indeed having a hard time. We see that! We totally understand she must be going through her own personal hell. As of today she says she does not know what she is going to do. It’s too hard. She knows we are sad but she does not know what her decision is. We do not know if we are going to be parents again. We are waiting for her to make up her mind and we have no idea when that will be. Her due date is near.
I am unraveling our travel plans and returning everything that can be returned. I was able to cancel the house rental, rental car, and such. I went online and printed the return labels for the crib, baby carrier, diaper bag. I hope to unlock the door to our little girl’s room soon. There are a few things I need to get out of there but I cannot find the strength to go in.
Our birthmother’s inability to make a decision is a decision. She may feel unable to decide, but we know from experience that she will keep her baby. We are not reaching out to her at this point. We will continue to jump every time the phone rings but we will not run to answer. We wanted a birthmother that wanted us. We would never put pressure on her or even question her ability to parent.
We have decided the best way for us to deal with it is to take a much-needed vacation. We are off to sit on a warm beach somewhere! CJ can play in the water and we can get some vitamin D. Hopefully some time removed from the constant, haunting reminders of another failed adoption will help us. We need to figure out what is next for our family. We do not think we can go through this ever again.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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