30% OFF Pride collection code: USAPRIDE! Free Shipping over $99

When A Couple Is Puppy Training

by Ann Brown August 31, 2012

By: Ann Brown

I was going to add my blah blah blah to the Todd Akin thing but, honestly, I am too tired.

Oh, wait. Maybe just this one thing:

His logic is kinda awesome. Like, I am pretty sure I legitimately ate five bagels yesterday so, according to Akins, my body will shut down and I will not gain weight.

But enough of politics. I’m too tired for any more anti-douchebag bon mots. And I don’t have much time to get this post written – Mom is flying in at 2PM this afternoon (or maybe at noon. Or maybe yesterday. I have no idea. I am so fucking tired) and I still have to ready the guest room. And by “ready” I mean dust the furniture and hide Robin’s pornographic magazines.

Ha ha, that’s a joke. Robin’s pornography is on the computer. Duh.

I have no idea what to do with Mom this weekend. She lives a very full and active life in LA – theater, dinners, parties – and when she comes to Oregon, I feel I need to keep up the level. Which is challenging because my lifestyle is less go go go than Mom’s in that my lifestyle is mostly day drinking and making fun of Mom.

Plus, I am so fucking tired.

Because of Phila.

Which is Robin’s fault ™.(Yup, I’ve trademarked it.)

I am getting no sleep at night. Oh, Phila goes happily into her little playpen at night when Robin and I get into bed and turn off the light. We say, “Good night, Phila.”

And then it’s quiet for about three minutes.

And then I say, “God DAMN it, Robin, get your hands off my boobs. No means no.”

And then it’s quiet for a few minutes. I begin to drift off to sleep.

And then Phila begins her remodeling.

That’s what I presume she is doing. I hear shuffling, scraping, hammering, power tools. In the morning, her playpen is in a completely different shape than it was when she went to bed. They say Poodles are smart; what they don’t tell you is that they are also chock full of great design ideas. I swear to God, she built a sort of loft in there last night. With a bookshelf. And a mini bar.

Puppy training is going well, by which I mean, Robin is doing all of it. Robin’s job is to get up at 5AM, take Phila out to pee, feed her, walk her, play with her, and get ready for work while she hangs out with him. Then when he gets home from work, his job is to take her to the park, feed her, train her, and play with her until bedtime.

My job is to remind Robin that I voted NO on getting a puppy.

It has quite revolutionized our marriage. Robin says things like, “Honey, would it be okay if you watched Phila for five minutes while I pass a kidney stone?” And I answer, “Umm, no, that isn’t gonna work for me. Michael Kors is just about to critique Alicia’s crotch.”

And he crawls back downstairs to vomit and scream into a rag stuffed in his mouth.

Because I voted NO on the puppy.

The other day, just to fuck with him, when he got home from work I told Robin that Phila had taken up my whole day and I couldn’t get a thing done, so he needed to take her out of the house for at least four hours. Plus, I needed to hire a cleaning crew because I couldn’t get to cleaning the house. Plus, I was going to order Thai from the expensive place because, you know, I couldn’t get to cooking, either. Plus, I needed to get the sleeveless linen dress on page 42 of the JJill catalogue. In “limeade”. Or white. And Bee Kind lemon shampoo from Gilchrist and Soames.

Because of Phila.™

Because there was a vote.

Speaking of which, Todd Akins is a douchebag.

The post When A Couple Is Puppy Training appeared first on The Next Family.

Ann Brown
Ann Brown


Leave a comment

Comments will be approved before showing up.

Also in Parenting

Modern Fitness For the Modern Parent

by The Next Family March 25, 2016


Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian

By Laura King

Life can get busy. With work, kids, family commitments, friends, chores, and the general chaos of everyday life, it can be near impossible at times to sit down for a cup of tea, let alone squeeze in an hour of exercise regularly. However, all things are possible if you set your mind to them. Those that prioritize their fitness nearly...

Continue Reading →

Estate Planning: The Basics For LGBT Families

by The Next Family March 25, 2016

With the passage of marriage equality last year, laws have been quickly changing across the United States. LGBT couples with or without children weren’t just given the right of marriage, they were provided new protections and benefits within their families. All of a sudden, LGBT couples and families had to figure out how to file jointly when it came to taxes, how to add...

Continue Reading →

Representation of Modern Families in Kid-Friendly Entertainment

by The Next Family March 24, 2016 1 Comment


By Alex Temblador

I recently wrote an article for The Next Family called, “Family-Friendly Films That Feature Adoption and Foster Care,” that shared wonderful family films with adoption or foster care story lines. My reasoning behind doing so was because every family deserves a chance to see similar families like theirs represented in various forms of entertainment.

The same can be said of other...

Continue Reading →