Christmas sale! $50 OFF every $200 you spend. Use code XMASPRIDE

Spoiled Grandchild

by Ann Brown August 03, 2012

By: Ann Brown

God help me, we have a puppy.

She’s my change-of-life puppy; the puppy I had post-menopause, when I thought I was too old to even have another puppy. I mean, I stopped getting my period, like, ten years ago. Or maybe two years ago. I can’t remember. I am so fucking tired from the damn puppy I can’t think. This morning I brushed my teeth with Moroccan Hair Oil paste. Didn’t even rinse. Why bother?

Now I remember why I was such a bitch when my kids were little. I was EXHAUSTED.

So I’m at the vet for her nine-week shots, sitting in the waiting room with all these other puppy moms. Every single one of them is about half my age and a quarter my weight. They are women who – when asked to put their dogs on the scale that is in plain sight of everyone else in the waiting room – they STEP UP ON IT with their dogs. Yeah, they claim it’s because their dogs won’t step on it without them, but they are not fooling me.

People who weigh themselves for sport are a category unto themselves. A category of folks who, let’s just say, will not be joining the rest of us up at the big Bed, Bath and Beyond. And people who weigh themselves for sport in public, and then say shit like, “Omigod, look at this! When I am on the scale with Bruno and Buster (her two 500 lb Great Danes), the scale says 160 pounds! Can you imagine if I really weighed that much?” Those people? Yeah, well, if I hadn’t used up all my vitriol for Michelle Bachman this week, I’d have a lot more to say about them.

The only way I am going to survive this puppy is to raise her like she is my spoiled grandchild. I am too fucking tired to do a good job this time around. As far as I am concerned, she can do whatever she likes -eat whatever she wants to eat, never do her homework, bite the mail carrier and smoke weed in her crate – so long as I can get some sleep at night and watch my stories on TV in the afternoons.

Oh, and I am going to eschew the dog park this time around, as well. Frankly, I am not interested in meeting anyone else in my life – I hardly get to see the people I already know – and I don’t have it in me anymore to stand around and discuss dogs, for fuck’s sake. I want to discuss, I don’t know, my arthritic knee and why I can’t digest cooked tomatoes anymore.

I will take my puppy on walks in the regular park, however, because I really need to get off my ass once a day. That is the best benefit of having had a change-of-life dog baby.

Well, that, and – from what I remember the doctor said the last time I had a baby – I can’t have sex for six weeks.

The post Spoiled Grandchild appeared first on The Next Family.




Ann Brown
Ann Brown

Author


Leave a comment

Comments will be approved before showing up.


Also in Parenting

Modern Fitness For the Modern Parent

by The Next Family March 25, 2016

e13db90f29f21c3e81584d04ee44408be273e7d61cb710479cf7_640_fitness-300x214@2x

Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian

By Laura King

Life can get busy. With work, kids, family commitments, friends, chores, and the general chaos of everyday life, it can be near impossible at times to sit down for a cup of tea, let alone squeeze in an hour of exercise regularly. However, all things are possible if you set your mind to them. Those that prioritize their fitness nearly...

Continue Reading →

Estate Planning: The Basics For LGBT Families

by The Next Family March 25, 2016

With the passage of marriage equality last year, laws have been quickly changing across the United States. LGBT couples with or without children weren’t just given the right of marriage, they were provided new protections and benefits within their families. All of a sudden, LGBT couples and families had to figure out how to file jointly when it came to taxes, how to add...

Continue Reading →

Representation of Modern Families in Kid-Friendly Entertainment

by The Next Family March 24, 2016 1 Comment

SidsFamily

By Alex Temblador

I recently wrote an article for The Next Family called, “Family-Friendly Films That Feature Adoption and Foster Care,” that shared wonderful family films with adoption or foster care story lines. My reasoning behind doing so was because every family deserves a chance to see similar families like theirs represented in various forms of entertainment.

The same can be said of other...

Continue Reading →