By: Shannon Ralph
I have come to the conclusion as of late that an apology has no value whatsoever. At least not in my house. I know this for a fact because I apologize numerous times per day for the most asinine and ridiculous things. Things for which I have absolutely zero culpability and no remorse whatsoever. Here are a few of the inexplicably stupid things I have apologized for in recent weeks:
1. I am sorry that your tap shoes from two years ago no longer fit you. (Perhaps we should bind your feet like they did women in ancient China so your monstrous Hardesty feet will stop growing?)
2. I am sorry I take up so my space in my bed. (I will brush up on my contortionist skills.)
3. I am sorry you are cold watching television in your underwear.
4. I am sorry that bicycles made for giant nine-year-olds do not come with training wheels. (Because every other nine-year-old on this planet can ride a two-wheeler.)
5. I am sorry it is raining and we were supposed to go to the pool.
6. I m sorry the dog doesn’t sleep with you at night. I promise I do not entice her to my bed in any way, shape, or form.
7. I am sorry you are too tall to play with the toddlers in Småland at IKEA.
8. I am sorry you peed in your pants.
9. I am sorry they do not make Phineas and Ferb mouthwash. You’ll have to settle for Spongebob Squarepants.
10. I am sorry the movie “Brave” was so loud.
11. I am sorry that your brother didn’t say “sorry” when he walked in front of the television and caused Mario to die.
12. I am sorry the ocean is salty.
13. I am sorry the dog ate your Apple Jacks that you left sitting on the ottoman in the living room.
14. I am sorry your other mom and I were talking too loud while you were watching TV.
15. I am sorry you messed up your drawing.
16. I am sorry your sock feels weird.
17. I am sorry Netflix keeps stalling during your movie.
18. I am sorry you lost your favorite lollipop wrapper. (Perhaps you should look on your nightstand with the rest of the freakishly weird items you hoard.)
19. I am sorry shirts have tags.
20. I am sorry I don’t know who Dr. Doom is.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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