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Paradox

by Danny Thomas July 16, 2012

By: Danny Thomas

 

 

there are a few things rolling through my brain to blog about this week…
paradox of kids – loving them and being exhausted by them, and also
being tired of and annoyed by the pervasiveness of that thought, and the multitudes of other parents you know who are thinking and saying that same thought….

mortality… I know it’s like beating a dead horse… ha…

but it’s what has been on my mind…

but this has less to do with my dad and more to do with my kids…

Zuzu is at five months… and I have started to get that awareness that my time with her is limited…

I remember feeling this way at around the same time with both Lil’Chaos and ‘Zilla
it’s an odd ominous feeling that really sounds strange and morbid the moment I try to articulate it…
it’s sort of like this knowledge that at any moment they could be taken away…
but it’s more than that… it’s an understanding that as profound as this love is, ONE OF THE MOST profound feelings I have ever felt, that it is transitory… and that is precisely what gives it its extraordinary weight…
With each child it has come around half a year, just as I start to get used to them being around… more than used to it… captivated by it… just as I get to the point where I expect them to be around, I start to worry that they might not always be…
It’s been slightly different each time – but with each I have had this gloomy voice in my head saying, “your time with this precious thing could end at any moment…”
And while the lesson from that should be,
the zen part of myself should come away from that saying,
well live in the moment then, be happy and grateful and delight in the moments you have together,
there’s another voice, maybe the tragedian from the British Isles, that wails and moans and pulls my hair out (figuratively) worrying about losing my dear child.

to add yet another layer of emotional complexity there is the voice of my 25-year-old self who wants to scrap the whole shooting match and drive out to the woods somewhere, eat a bag of mushrooms, and play guitar until the sun comes up…

I guess that is that paradox I was talking about…
these kids are amazing, wonderful, fulfilling, and extraordinary people whom I adore with all my heart… and I am absolutely exhausted by cleaning up after them and keeping them in line… and as much as I am glad to know I am not alone in that feeling, I feel slightly self-conscious adding my voice to the enormous chorus of parents my age, and throughout time, saying the same thing….

I would not wish these children away for a minute, as I wrote/rambled about a couple paragraphs ago… there is a part of my soul that lives in fear of them being taken from me, one way or another…
and yet, sometimes on a Friday night I really miss the freedom of my pre-parent days… when all I really want to do is buy a case of beer and head to the mountains…

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Danny Thomas
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