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Moods, Meds, and Maybes

by Lex Jacobson March 15, 2012

By Lex Jacobson

We are not pregnant again this month. The “we-tried-we-waited-two-weeks-and-we-failed” thing is becoming an old story now, one that I hope will end a little differently next month. A happy ending would be really nice about now.

It is tough not to get discouraged, and those first few days after the negative test results, I feel as though I’m swimming in a pit of my own misery, but luckily it’s been passing and the week gets easier when I realize that it’s not that far away from my next attempt.

Next month brings a lot of pressure, specifically because if we don’t get pregnant, we won’t have our baby this year (if I carry to term). 2012 feels like it has just started, in my mind, I can hardly fathom waiting until 2013 to have our baby. I know it will feel a lot less desperate when I’m actually pregnant, as we’ll have something to look forward to, and a future date to celebrate, but right now, next year seems so far away.

On the health front, I haven’t decreased any of my medications since mid-January. I wanted to have a few stable months before we tried anything else. I’ve been told by two different doctors that I’ve done enough – that decreasing the amounts that I did will be significantly better for the baby, and that I do not have to play around with any more of my doses. That makes me feel great and I’m very proud of the last two years of getting to a relatively healthy place. But I am also getting antsy and want to try something else.

In my mind, the fewer meds the better, but I know my psychiatrists are wary of too much change. If I get pregnant now and don’t change a thing, they are confident that I’ve done enough to carry a healthy fetus with no long-term effects from exposure to meds. Like anything in life, there is no guarantee, and we won’t know until we know, but it is nice to hear from the experts that we’re doing well with where we’re at. I’m making myself wait at least a month, and then I would consider playing around again with one of my anti-depressants.

I picked up a month’s worth of meds just a few hours ago. Two years ago, my monthly medication bill came to about $500 (covered, luckily). With all of the decreases, the bill today came to $137. Monetarily, I’m spending almost 75% less than I was, which means that I’m roughly putting 75% fewer “toxins” into my body – and my future fetus – than I was two years ago. I hesitate to call them “toxins,” because I know for me, they are as important as oxygen. But it’s not just me that I have to worry about anymore.

I’m not ready to come off the meds completely, but I do have a goal. I’d like to be drug-free in four years. That covers a pregnancy, a year of post-partum when I’m at home with the baby, a year of transitioning back to work and a buffer to play with.

By the time we try for #2, I would like to be able to have a natural pregnancy. Who knows whether that could happen. And who knows whether we’ll go for a #2! Let’s focus on getting #1 for now…

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Lex Jacobson
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