By: Brandy Black
I knew I was hormonal when I began the fertility drugs, I knew it was worse when I got pregnant but now that I have had these babies and am nursing, it’s as bad as ever. I remember this very clearly from the first time around with my daughter Sophia. I would begin crying for no particular reason and was not able to stop myself. It is now a familiar feeling when my blood begins to boil and I get so frustrated (over the tiniest of things) that my face literally gets red and I could throw things through windows. But you know what gets me the most riled up, what angers me beyond belief? When my wife tells me I’m crazy. A word of advice to the dads and non-birth mothers: don’t ever tell your spouse she is insane or losing it because we already know. I’ve been trying so hard to keep it together through the sleepless nights and the nursing schedule and the sometimes lonely days. I actually convince myself that I’m doing well, I’ve got it under control and I’m super mom until I’m reminded that I’m not the same sane Brandy Black that my wife once knew.
Let me explain why this hurts so much. I want desperately to be that girl again with a balanced life. When you have babies there is none of that. I go out with friends, it’s quick and with time limitations and there are jokes of pump and dump and I don’t quite feel myself because a part of me is always missing when my babies aren’t with me by my side. I feel outside of myself and often completely out of the loop. I’m so tired that it’s all I can do to keep up the façade of a regular person. Some advice to stay home and not push myself with social outings but honestly I need them to keep me sane even if I feel like an alien when I actually get out the door. I love to get dressed up, wear cute jeans and heels, but once I’m out I feel like I’m fooling myself into thinking that I’m the person I used to be, like everyone must look at me and know that I’m a mother of three and should be at home feeding my babies rather than out among the cool people.
I understand it’s all in my head but it’s very real to me. I know this too shall pass. I remember when it did with Sophia and it was incredible to feel like me again, me with a much more interesting life to share. I was able to rid myself of guilt for leaving the house and actually enjoy time out with friends. But now, I wait, loving my children and knowing that “my” time will come again. But through this internal struggle I need to know that my significant other “gets it”, that she, no matter how batty I am, will understand how tough this part is and remind me that somewhere deep inside I’m still that fun, balanced, smart, interesting person that she once knew and was attracted to.
So a special thanks to those friends who have stuck in there with me in this muddled period in my life, that have called to go to drinks and not assumed that a mother of three has no time. There should always be time to be reminded of how much I am loved and how many friends I adore. I need you more than you probably know. I promise I won’t throw plates and if I do maybe you should just join in the fun, there are few times in life you can actually get away with total insanity.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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