By: Chris Coyne
The days are flying by lately. A couple of months ago it seemed like time was not moving at all. This week our little boy CJ turned two years old. It is a magic time with our little man. He has begun speaking in micro sentences. He tells us he is happy and gives us more kisses these days. Before he would give us a kiss if we begged for it but now they come unprompted. It’s wonderful.
We were 33 weeks pregnant Friday. Some of our anxiety has let up about some issues associated with the adoption and some of those fears are getting stronger. I am trying to stay positive and be upbeat but I cannot control my inner thoughts from coming out of me these days. Blogging about most of this is impossible. Some of the stuff I do not want to share. Some of it is so personal. Most of it is just a huge pain in the ass. Adoption is hard. I am all wrapped up in someone else’s life that I really do not know that well. I can say we have been through so much in the last couple months but that is between her and me.
I have been going through all the clothes we have for our little girl. Our amazing sister-in-law gave me lots of pink frilly things to use. Most of it is confusing. Little tiny bloomers, bonnets, and tights that make my head spin. Boy clothes are easier than girl clothes. I cannot figure out where to put what and I wonder how much of it I will need. I picked out baby girl’s crib online. It is sitting in my digital shopping cart until our birthmother has signed everything and we know she will be ours. We made the mistake once of putting together cribs and car seats before we knew it was all done. It was too hard to return them so we just donated them to Out of the Closet. We survived the failed adoption and we learned from it! We will be ready but not stupid. I have the car seat, a bassinet, and some clothes. The rest is provided by the doctor. We know we can grab everything else in a few moments.
We purchased everyone’s plane tickets to Los Angeles. We rented a small apartment close to where we used to live. I am so excited to be in our old neighborhood. We wonder if returning to Los Angeles will make us home sick for Maryland or if we will want to stay in California.
I have been surprised by how comfortable we are in Maryland. We get an occasional glance here and there but in many ways we feel more at home as a family here. Los Angeles is a great place to live but the parks and schools are so much better here than LA. We see so many children one has to admit it is much more family-friendly than LA. Every weekend we take one day to explore DC. We take the train to the National Mall and walk around until we find a museum that CJ can run around in and explore. I know he will enjoy living here. On top of all that, we live in the best neighborhood. People love having a gay couple raising kids as their neighbors. I like to think they are raising their kids to accept diversity and to learn from people that might be a little different from themselves. That way they can look themselves in the mirror.
Today I started getting some of the things I think I will need for our little girl. I actually forgot to get CJ a blanket of all things. Today I got a new mattress for a little girl’s bassinet. We decided to just do a bassinet for her for the first few months. I know we will end up getting a baby swing and a few other things that make life easier but not until she is born and ours.
Somedays I feel like a crazy man. I seem to live in this bipolar world. Things seem to be going very well until I get a call or text that sends me off the deep end. Adoption is an emotional mind jab. In some ways it is a lot like parenting. I worry about the outcome. I stress about the details. I wonder if I can handle one more hurdle. I know we can because the big picture looks great. I know we will get a sweet little baby out of it. We will remain the hard working parents we are. Our love has grown leaps. Our little boy has taught us so much about unconditional love. We understand what we signed up for but nothing can prepare you for this. We have read all the books, we were fortunate to talk to so many people that have survived adoption. We know the end is what it’s all about. Our lives are about to spin out of control and my mind started the spin long ago.
I love to sleep. I was so excited when CJ started sleeping through the night. I recall waking up in a panic for the first few days but that passed as I slept more and more. The last few days I have been waking up every few hours. I keep hearing things that wake me up. The heater clicks on and I open my eyes. Jon rolls over and I get up because I have to pee. CJ talks in his sleep and I am at his door listening to what he has to say. Once I am awake my mind starts to wonder. I start thinking about what I need to accomplish the next day or what I did not do the day before. I keep a running list on my phone of what I need to do. I love scratching stuff off the list but so much has not even made it to the list. We are about six weeks from D-day. I hope my sleepless nights are getting me ready for our newborn. Pregnancy prepares a mother for the arrival of a baby. Adoption only brings stress.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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