By: Shannon Ralph
In the spirit of the upcoming New Year, I wanted to write a blog entry that would encapsulate everything that happened to me in the past year. The mundane and the life-altering. I wanted to write a blog entry that would sum up the craziness that was 2011 in a nice, tidy package. Alas, my thirty-nine-year-old brain has trouble remembering what I ate for breakfast yesterday, much less what I was doing in February of this past year. Therefore, in typical lazy blogger form, I am presenting you all with “A Year in the Life” via Facebook posts. These are actual status updates I posted on Facebook in the year 2011.
Nicholas just came out of his bedroom to ask me the following: “Did you know that in real life your pee is the things you drink and your poop is the things you eat?” Apparently, Lucas is doling out biology lessons in their bedroom this evening.
Thinking about busting into the Bailey’s. Is that completely pathetic, all alone on a Thursday night? Or it simply a little sad? I can live with a little sad.
Monday confession: I live in fear of accidentally hearing a Justin Bieber song and liking it.
Mailing off Ruanita’s last graduate school student loan payment today. We are officially a student loan free household now. Woo-hoo!
Holy Jesus! Lucas is fever free and going back to school tomorrow! Praise the Lord! Can I hear an Amen?!
To the chick at McDonalds who inadvertently gave me ONE boy toy and TWO girl toys: Thank you for the hell that is unfolding in my house this evening. Try as I might, Lucas is simply not buying that a My Little Pony is a super cool equine super hero.
Do a handful of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a glass of Bailey’s constitute a well-balanced dinner?
I think my cat just uses me for food. I feel absolutely no affection coming from her. As a matter of fact, I am pretty certain she despises me.
Bad headache today. I think I am going to lie on the couch and let the children run rampant around me. As long as there is no bloodshed, I should be able to manage them from my horizontal position on the couch. I hope.
Happy Fat Tuesday to all my fat friends. Finally! Our very own holiday!
It is taking every single ounce of mental fortitude I possess not to strangle my children this evening.
Only in Kentucky will they hand out suckers for the kids at the drive-thru liquor store. I love my homeland!
My eight- and four-year-old sons just beat Super Mario Galaxy 2 on the Wii today. Got all the way to the end and saved the princess. Not sure if I should be proud or mildly disturbed.
I think that people who drive around without insurance and then cause wrecks should be arrested. My $1000 deductible and I are just sayin’…..
Watching a documentary called “Cosmic Collision: the Birth of a Planet” with Lucas. Help me. Please. Anyone?
All three of my kids have new electric toothbrushes they are incredibly excited about. I can’t help noticing, however, that they haven’t quite mastered the art of the electric toothbrush. All three brush their teeth with their mouths wide open. There is a foamy drool-fest going on in my bathroom at 8:00PM every night now. Ick.
Just saw a rabbit in the back yard and told the kids the Easter Bunny had his minions out in full force tonight watching them. They are cleaning their bedrooms as we speak. Tee-hee.
Lucas just asked me if I know how to hot-wire a car. I am concerned.
Spent all afternoon putting together an iron gazebo thingy in my back yard. I would like to apologize to my family, my neighbors, and anyone walking down the street within ear shot of my cursing. It got a bit ugly there for a while, but the detestable thing is assembled and up now.
I need to do laundry so I have clean underwear for the Rapture tomorrow. I would hate to meet my maker in my holey skivvies.
Talking to my kids just now about the proposed constitutional amendment to ban same-sex marriage, Lucas turns to me and says he wants to vote NO because when he grows up, he wants to marry his brother, Nicholas. Hmmm….better not let the evangelicals hear that one.
My daughter wants a princess backpack for kindergarten. I am looking at them online and they are all hideous. Sparkly, gaudy, glittery, Pepto-pink bags. Do I really have to spend my hard-earned cash on one?
Selling the kids’ double stroller. An era has passed…kind of bittersweet.
So out of the blue, Lucas asks me this afternoon, “So if Minnesota votes yes and girls can’t marry girls, will Nicky and Sophie still be my brother and sister?” He was actually, genuinely worried. I am one pissed off momma right now.
If my daughter does not stop following me from room to room telling me how BORING all her toys are and that she NOTHING to do, I am going to sell her on the black market. I swear I am. Then I am going to buy myself an iPad with the proceeds.
Just bought a piñata for the twins’ birthday party next weekend. I am taking bets now on which child will get hit in the head with a baseball bat.
Heading out for Mexican food with the family tonight. Celebrating my twins’ 5th birthday with margaritas. It feels wrong, but it’s going to taste oh so right.
Lucas: So we’re going to Pride today?
Lucas (looking a tad worried): “Pride” isn’t a fancy word for church, is it?
I think Polly Pockets are the work of the devil.
Tried to lie on the couch and take a nap with the windows open and the awesome breeze coming through. Apparently, my children can only survive without me for exactly 23 minutes.
Ruanita will appreciate this. I had to vacuum the living room tonight and couldn’t figure out how to turn the damn thing on.
I have a dirty little secret. I like watching Phineas and Ferb.
Sophie is no longer a terrible two. And she hasn’t yet hit puberty. So I don’t really know how to explain my five-year-old’s tearful, moody, somewhat bitchy PMS-like symptoms today. Personality disorder, perhaps?
So is it an act of blasphemy or devotion that my son just made a new character on the Wii and named him Jesus? Looks freakishly like him, too. My kids are just odd.
As we were answering our usual “What was your favorite thing you did today?” question around the dinner table this evening, Lucas answered with, “I loved every freaking nanosecond of this day.” Me thinks he was being sarcastic.
I can no longer watch my youngest son eat hot dogs. Without a bun. Holding them horizontally in his hands. Corn-on-the-cob style. Blech.
Filling up the ice cube trays will NOT cause brain damage. Just an FYI.
My dog just chased down and killed Thumper in my back yard. Ruanita refuses to go out there. I am going to have to take care of it. I think I might be ill.
My mother is moving into my house today. Please pray for us all.
I have strep for the first time ever in my life and I truly think I am going to die.
I am taking a poll. Is it sadder that I went to Target today with the intention of purchasing a Phineas and Ferb Christmas CD? OR…that it was sold out?
I HATE rush hour traffic. I am packing up my kids and moving to Mayberry!
My eldest son may not survive this long weekend. If he calls one more person in this house “butt-cakes,” I am going to go all Ninja on him. He doesn’t realize I am a woman on the edge.
Please, for the love of God, go to bed. I love you more than anything on this Earth, but I am just really tired of your faces today and do not want to see them again until tomorrow. Good. Night.
I believe my five-year-old daughter has, without my previous knowledge or consent, converted to Pentecostalism. She refuses to wear pants to school anymore. Dresses ONLY.
So my twins have their kindergarten play tomorrow. Their class is doing “The Three Little Pigs,” and Sophie and Nicky are—wait for it—brick walls. Obviously, they impressed their teacher with their acting skills. So all day, Ruanita and I have been singing Rick James’ brick house to them. Loud. In stereo. They do not think we are nearly as funny as we think we are.
They are capable of driving me absolutely insane, but there are moments when I am mad, crazy in love with my little family.
There you have it. Despite driving me mad—despite the screaming and fussing and ludicrous phrases I am forced to utter on a daily basis—I love my little family. This year, like so many years in the past, they have been my rock. My strength. My saving grace. In 2012–because history has proven time and time again–I know all things will be possible with my family by my side.
Here’s to a phenomenal New Year!
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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