By: Shannon Ralph
For a very long time, I was addicted to Facebook. I spent precious hours of my short life scrolling through page after page of inane and ridiculously drama-heavy status updates from people I didn’t like in high school but was incapable of ignoring when they sent me a friend request. Then I discovered Etsy. Pages and pages of homemade items. And I could buy them! Spend money! Purchase merchandise! Cute little skirts for Sophie. Artwork for my living room. A new keychain. A cute mousepad. The artsy, crafty homemade possibilities were endless. Hours and days and weeks could be whiled away pointing and clicking.
Recently, I discovered a new online obsession. This one may very well be the most addictive of them all. Pinterest. Are you guys on Pinterest? Have you heard of it? The concept is incredibly simple. You create boards and “pin” items from the internet that interest you. There are pages and pages of items to scroll through. My personal favorites are the ones under “Home Decor” and “Food and Drink”. I could —and do, actually— spend hours scrolling through these pages getting ideas on cute designs for my home. Yummy recipes to try. Funny posters that make me laugh.
Despite my obsession, there are some things on Pinterest that simply make me scratch my head and wonder to myself, “What the hell?” There is a whole section titled “DIY and Crafts”. Some of the ideas in this section are cute. Some are actually useful. And then there are the ones that are obviously posted by people who have 1.) entirely too much time on their hands, or 2.) entirely too much prescription medication in their bloodstream.
Case in point:
1. A Christmas wreath made out of shotgun shells. Ummm….what kind of message does this send. Peace on Earth? I don’t get it.
2. A recipe for homemade Snickers bars. A Snickers bar costs less than a buck if you have a craving. Who needs an entire BATCH of Snickers bars. Seriously? Can we say diabetic coma?
3. 10 ways to cook quinoa. I am pretty certain that I will never in my lifetime need to know more than one way to cook quinoa.
4. Martha Stewart’s recipe for homemade chalkboard paint. First, who in the hell makes their own paint? That’s just weird. And secondly, any Martha Stewart recipe —be it paint or apple pie— can be guaranteed to have about thirty-five too many steps and use ingredients only found on foreign soil.
5. Make your own bouncy balls from scratch. This sounds like it would involve a healthy dose of chemistry —not my best subject in school. Considering that you can get a bouncy ball in any gumball machine for a quarter, why would I risk blowing my house up via chemical reaction to make homemade bouncy balls from scratch? People are nuts.
6. Make your own spoon and fork jewelry. That’s just dumb.
7. How to fix a compact if you drop it and the powder breaks. Something about drops of alcohol. Not sure. Am I bad person because I would simply throw it away and buy a new one?
8. 10 recipes for Homemade Dog Biscuits. If I am going to put the effort into baking something, it better include chocolate and healthy doses of butter. And I better be able to nosh on it after the kiddos got to bed. Despite loving my dog dearly, I do not see myself baking homemade dog biscuits.
9. 101 Elf on the Shelf Ideas. I have considered buying an Elf on the Shelf for my children but, frankly, it just seemed like a lot of unnecessary work. I already have to wrap all of those presents. I already have to fight the crowds downtown at Macy’s so my children can stare wide-eyed and terrified at Santa, while refusing to talk to him. I already have to pretend I enjoy snow and sledding and making them hot chocolate they beg me for and then immediately put in the fridge and refuse to drink. Must we really involve an elf in our holiday festivities?
10. Make your own small gift boxes out of toilet paper rolls. Who would I give them to? Would you want a gift wrapped in a toilet paper roll? Doesn’t exactly say that I cared enough to give the very best, does it?
11. Make your own coffee creamer. Why? Why would I do that when Starbucks makes it for me with little to no effort on my part?
12. And then there are cakes like this:
My boys would love this. I consider myself a fairly good baker, but this is just asking for demoralizing defeat and soul-crushing failure. Am I right?
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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