Christmas sale! $50 OFF every $200 you spend. Use code XMASPRIDE

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

by Ann Brown November 25, 2011

By: Ann Brown

My baby cousin is getting married this week. And, frankly, I am glad just to be invited to the wedding. It could have gone either way.

It’s a good thing babies can’t remember everything. Because then my cousin would know that when he was around three years old, his parents left him for a weekend with my parents and his pot smoking adolescent cousins – Karen and me. Maybe it was for a week. Or two weeks. Or an afternoon. I really have no recollection.

But I do have photos. And if they are any credible evidence of the experience, I am going to have to get my cousin a REALLY good wedding gift. For one thing, I’m sure the weather in the LA Valley was, like, a hundred and forty degrees that August and our baby cousin was barefoot in every photo – standing on asphalt, standing on tumbleweeds, standing (and crying) in a field of wildflowers and stinging nettles. Which poses a brand new concern: there were no stinging nettles anywhere near our house. Did Karen and I drive little Adam out to Palm Springs or something? Uh-oh. I hope we brought him back.

And where were our parents?

People were more trusting back in those days, I guess. Karen and I used to babysit for actual babies when we were only, like twelve years old. We were clueless. And totally uninterested in the baby in our care, choosing instead to spend the evening making phony phone calls, sleuthing out the treyf in their refrigerators, and searching for porn. Those were the days when a dog-eared copy of THE JOY OF SEX was on the bedroom bookshelf of every married couple on the West coast, which made for very educational times for the babysitters. Although, and I just don’t think I am alone in this, the couple in that book was, well, gross. That man’s penis was not a good ambassador for the cause. The woman’s armpit hair alone was enough to scare me into celibacy until pot lowered my standards.

I wonder where that JOY OF SEX couple is today. And if she ever jumped on the Epilady bandwagon that came rumbling along in the 1980’s. I wonder if that man’s penis ever got more attractive. Yeah, as if. Penises will never star in an episode of The Swan. You can give them a makeover, get their teeth fixed and work on their posture, but they will stubbornly refuse to change. Because they think they are already so damn hot.

Penises are, like, the motivational speakers for the other body parts. “I’m super attractive!” they scream. “Get closer! Take off your glasses! You’ll see what I mean!” Whereas the vaginas and middle section spare tires hang back, insisting the lights are off and relying on Spanx and cheap wine to keep their partner happy.

Uh-oh. I have no idea how to segue back to my cousin now.

I’ll tell you one thing for sure: I am not getting him THE JOY OF SEX as a wedding gift. Maybe I’ll give him THE JOY OF COOKING, instead. He can sleuth out the treyf. And, if I recall correctly, there is a picture of a couple cooking a ham on page 236.

Jewish porn for the honeymoon.

The post The Gift That Keeps On Giving appeared first on The Next Family.




Ann Brown
Ann Brown

Author


Leave a comment

Comments will be approved before showing up.


Also in Parenting

Modern Fitness For the Modern Parent

by The Next Family March 25, 2016

e13db90f29f21c3e81584d04ee44408be273e7d61cb710479cf7_640_fitness-300x214@2x

Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian

By Laura King

Life can get busy. With work, kids, family commitments, friends, chores, and the general chaos of everyday life, it can be near impossible at times to sit down for a cup of tea, let alone squeeze in an hour of exercise regularly. However, all things are possible if you set your mind to them. Those that prioritize their fitness nearly...

Continue Reading →

Estate Planning: The Basics For LGBT Families

by The Next Family March 25, 2016

With the passage of marriage equality last year, laws have been quickly changing across the United States. LGBT couples with or without children weren’t just given the right of marriage, they were provided new protections and benefits within their families. All of a sudden, LGBT couples and families had to figure out how to file jointly when it came to taxes, how to add...

Continue Reading →

Representation of Modern Families in Kid-Friendly Entertainment

by The Next Family March 24, 2016 1 Comment

SidsFamily

By Alex Temblador

I recently wrote an article for The Next Family called, “Family-Friendly Films That Feature Adoption and Foster Care,” that shared wonderful family films with adoption or foster care story lines. My reasoning behind doing so was because every family deserves a chance to see similar families like theirs represented in various forms of entertainment.

The same can be said of other...

Continue Reading →