By: Brandy Black
There are boxes in every room labeled with a black sharpie and decorated with multi-colored crayons. I’m over the emotion, the missing, I’m sure that will come later, right now I just want to get the fuck done with packing and unpacking so that I can lie in bed the way a normal 26-weeks-pregnant-mom should do. I’m tired. My wrists have carpal tunnel and believe it or not the nausea has come back. What?! I wish I were nesting but honestly I wouldn’t recognize it if I had it right now because I have no choice but to nest. It’s hard to believe that 6 months ago I had no idea all of this was coming. In typical Brandy fashion I went into serious “Go” mode and rocked our lives upside down. Luckily my wife is finally totally on board. She admitted last night that she likes this “change thing”. I do too; it’s refreshing. Our daughter is a trooper through the chaos, talking about the new house, telling her stuffed animals, the fish, the dog, and anyone who will listen. I feel bad though because our house is a mess, disorganized beyond belief. Ordinarily this would make me crazy but there is something strange that happens to me when I’m pregnant. It’s as if I have a built-in cushion around my brain and pretty much everything else except my heart but that’s a whole different story. Let me explain.
We went on vacation a couple weeks back, to the San Juan Islands. We had an amazing time. Normal non-pregnant Brandy would have been completely stressed beyond belief leaving town while in escrow with pending paperwork, walk-thru’s, etc and probably would have started a huge fight with Susan for no good reason, angry because our vacation fell at such an inopportune time. But PB (Pregnant Brandy) didn’t think a thing of it, barely told our agents we were leaving (Susan did it, which if you know Susan and me and our dynamic, well…it’s surprising.) I just walked out the door, suitcase in hand, packed it late the night before (another shocker), no fights, no stress, just waddling around aimlessly. I was even surprised when our agents called me in a panic. Did I even remember we were selling our house? I was going through old paperwork tonight and found a folder from our previous sale 7 years back and I have a post-it note attached in my handwriting that points out parts of the agent’s paperwork that are missing and the timeline of the appraisal being wrong. I was ahead of the game; now I’m barely in it. I have to say, it feels nice. I could get used to this –not pregnancy, but rather the comfort and ease that comes with letting go of the stress. I’m starting to realize it’s not entirely necessary. I have particularly enjoyed implementing the “one day at a time” policy. It’s a PB must. Especially when my To Do List doesn’t fit on one page. I feel the stress creeping in and then I go to sleep. It works like a charm. And the best part about it is that I think my wife loves it. She is reminding ME of things! She is making lists too. She is allowed to take on a role that I typically bogart, leaving her in the cold. I thought she liked me in control but I’m realizing that’s not so true. She’s smart too. She makes wise decisions. She remembers things. Hey, maybe if I let go a little bit we could actually meet in the middle and do this together. She loves me pregnant. Now if only I didn’t feel like shit all the time, this could be the recipe to a perfectly happy marriage.
As for our daughter, she’s handling things quite well. She has found her own ways of managing the chaos. I tuck her in, kiss her goodnight, and she tip-toes around (or sometimes bangs around), creating castle surprises for Susan and me to find later. Each night we walk in to a different king and queen or king and king or elephant and bunny sitting on the thrown of a castle adorned with necklaces, glow sticks, crayons –whatever she can find in her trinket box comes out and onto the deluxe castle of the evening. The other night not only did we get the expected castle surprise but she also laid out all of her clothes for the next day. This has never been done by anyone in the house. On her dresser lay her little blue shoes with a purple bow and pink headband atop of them, blue tights, underwear, and a pink dress with flowers. I melted. Beyond the mess and the boxes is a perfectly content (I hope) little girl who dreams of princess fairies and maintains her organized state.
What would I do without my family to make me smile and get me through this madness? Money or no money, minivan or not, spas or camping, chaos or calm, I’ve truly got it all and I think it took a time of total disorder to realize how lucky I am and always have been.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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