By: Melissa Mensavage
Just like that. Complete a couple of tests, some paperwork, and before you know it you are a parent of two.
Ok, not really. I am not there yet, the parent of two part, but surely well on my way. The bus has left the station; I am on it, sitting in my seat comfortably reading. Yet, I feel like I am still at the station, debating if I should board.
I keep telling myself, ‘go through the motions, and decide later’ because I am so afraid that if I don’t do this I will have regrets later in life. I know everything will work out the way it’s supposed to, but I am almost paralyzed with fear.
I should probably back up and share that I met with the fertility doctor. He advised that, before he could recommend a treatment plan, he needed some test results. I had the blood work done, and the whole “let’s see what your insides look like” test (that was special). My follow-up consultation started with this: “I am very pleased with all your numbers and results.”
So, it wasn’t too long ago I was writing about the fear that I was “expired”, but as I sat in the leather chair across the standard office desk with a giant uterus staring down at me, I am told, “It’s a Go!”
Thirty-nine, going on forty and I could possibly be having another baby. How do I feel about this? Where is that gut feeling of -absolutely, yes, two kids -that I had not too long ago? Why has fear magnified itself several times?
The list of questions I run through every day in my head: How can I afford another child? How will I be able to do all the things I need to do with Max with another child? How do I split myself in two to give each the right amount of time and energy for them to have a good life? How do I find time for myself? And the big one: How will I ever date? Who dates single mothers of two kids?
A bit of deja vu really, because I had the same fear prior to Max and basically the same questions but it was more – how am I going to adjust going from single to a party of two in my life, my house, etc.? And guess what? It’s totally awesome. I even had a couple of not-so-great dates along the way which means people date single parents.
My fear has started to interfere with my ability to communicate effectively with friends. It has me wondering if my family really supports this decision. It’s a weight on my shoulders that is really starting to hurt. I am struggling to fight back so that I can stay on track. Each day I try to conquer the fear by believing my body is capable of producing a healthy child. I know that positive affirmations are always helpful – regardless if they come from me or from a support system. Keeping my bucket filled with rain drops will keep the fear at bay.
Tonight, as I treated myself to a shot of fertility drugs, I questioned it, however I know in my heart I am doing the right thing for me. Funny, when I sit back and really listen to my heart, I am not afraid.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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