By: Melissa Mensavage
Well here it is, the eve of the consultation appointment with the fertility doctor and I have been doing ‘how am I feeling’ checks all day because I am not sure what to think, expect or feel at this moment. Am I nervous of what he will say about the chances for baby #2? Am I scared I will get the expiration stamp? What about this cute guy at work? What about Max?
Apparently I have more questions than I thought, yet surprisingly I am much calmer about this ‘decision making’ appointment tomorrow than I have been in the past. Why?
When I met with the doctor in the beginning of July, expressing my desire for another baby and asking for his assistance, I left the appointment feeling just the same as I do now, calm. I was given a list of tests that he wanted me to do before he could make a final analysis of Baby #2 feasibility and before I left the office all the appointments were made.
Over the last month I’ve basically gone through the motions of these tests and as I received each of the results, I’ve felt no emotion. I recall each time I received test results when I was trying for my son, I felt as if I was on a roller coaster – up, down, up, down and a couple of circles. I recall getting frustrated with a couple of the nurses, as they would always say, ‘looks good’, or ‘everything’s normal’. I would turn to my trusty Internet to find the answers. (In case you didn’t know by now, the Internet + Me = best friends. Right.)
And maybe this is why I am surprisingly calm? Because I know that no matter what I find on the Internet, the doctor’s analysis is what matters the most? Because I have the experience of going through these tests and understanding their results, and because I know what to expect from the staff at the doctor’s office? I am thinking all three apply here.
I also think a huge factor in all of this calmness is my son, Max. I love this little guy more than life itself and all I want to do is make sure he has a good life. For me and my family, more than one sibling is best. Yet, right after that thought comes ‘He’s perfect and beautiful’, meaning, if it ends up being just Max, it’s okay.
And finally, can we add a sprinkle of the cute guy to the mix here? Nothing major has happened, but obvious hints have been dropped – purposely changing seats in a meeting, asking if I was attending an after-work dinner. I question myself on Baby #2 because of this – how can I date and get pregnant at the same time (not by the same person!)? I suspect a separate blog post is required for this subject because it makes my head hurt trying to figure it out – and maybe that’s just what I should not do.
So tomorrow during my lunch hour I am meeting with the doctor face-to-face. I suspect I’ll get a nervous feeling in my stomach as I walk into the office. I’ll probably be there for a good 30 minutes as I always ask questions. And when I leave I’ll have a good idea of my next life steps, feeling surprisingly calm, I’ll bet.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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