Free shipping over $99 | Interest Free *no credit check* financing is available!

Say What?

by The Next Family July 28, 2011

By: Ann Brown

Robin’s been out of town, won’t be home until late tomorrow night, and for reasons too complicated to explain, I needed to get some money. Fast.

I checked all my usual hiding places but – no shock – they were empty. There was a note in my best hiding place, written from me to, I guess, me. It read: REPLACE THIS MONEY YOU ARE TAKING.

Actually, that would be a fun note to leave for burglars. Although, being raised a nice Jewish girl, first I’d have to write, “And please excuse the mess. And help yourself to leftover chicken in the fridge. Honey mustard. Delish.”

And, as an afterthought, “Are you single? I have a cousin.”

And “P.S. Is this just a temporary thing, burglary? You are waiting for your LSAT scores, maybe?”

And finally, “please don’t go through my drawers and judge me by the gargantuan size of my underpants. I like a lot of room.”

The Oregonian would post a story about a nice, single law student breaking into my house and enjoying my chicken which would – my luck – give him the runs and then my mom would read the story and call me up and say, “See? You are so worried about my chicken not be refrigerated and look what happens when a person eats yours straight from the fridge.” And then she’d remind me not to write shit about her anymore on my blog.

And, of course, all the Oregonian would report about me is: the 57-year old victim – who swears she is starting a diet tomorrow –  wears a size XXL maternity brief.

But this is not what my post is about.

I decided to do some online banking and move money into my checking account since I can’t wait for Robin to get home tomorrow night to do this for me. I am embarrassed to admit that I have never done online banking. I leave that to Robin because, honestly, if I did everything else I do AND the banking, too, well, I’d just be too fabulous and I’d probably implode or something. Also, because I really don’t want to do it. It makes me anxious.

So I get to the bank site and I click “forgot username” and “forgot password”.

They tell me they will email me my username and password. I just need to answer a few questions.

No problem. Robin and I have been married for almost 31 years. What he knows, I know.

First question: what is the name of your high school?

Shit. I know this. I know this. I have to know this.

I don’t know this.

I go to the next question: what was your favorite childhood pet?

Shit. Robin told me stories about a golden retriever named Cindy. No wait, that was his brother’s old girlfriend. Shit. I don’t know this, either. Wait. Nola! No, that was the cleaning lady who – clearly having no sense of smell – folded Robin’s funky, worn underwear and put them back in the drawer every Tuesday.

Question #3: In what city were you born?

Are you fucking kidding me? Why don’t I know this??? God, I guess what Robin always says is true – I do not listen to him.

Unbefuckinglievable. I cannot answer one question about Robin’s life. Can I really be as self-absorbed as this?

I shut down the computer. Gotta wait until tomorrow night to have Robin fix this. Why didn’t I pay better attention these past, oh, 31 years when he was talking? Sometimes I don’t even mute the TV. And now, because I am such a sucky wife, I am shit outta luck with the money.

Hold on, the phone is ringing. It’s Robin!!!

Well, well. He just called to say his plane, which is coming in TONIGHT (Oh. Not late tomorrow night? Oops) will be a little bit late. Tonight. Like he had told me.

Which I totally knew.

The post Say What? appeared first on The Next Family.

The Next Family
The Next Family


Leave a comment

Comments will be approved before showing up.

Also in Parenting

Modern Fitness For the Modern Parent

by The Next Family March 25, 2016


Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian

By Laura King

Life can get busy. With work, kids, family commitments, friends, chores, and the general chaos of everyday life, it can be near impossible at times to sit down for a cup of tea, let alone squeeze in an hour of exercise regularly. However, all things are possible if you set your mind to them. Those that prioritize their fitness nearly...

Continue Reading →

Estate Planning: The Basics For LGBT Families

by The Next Family March 25, 2016

With the passage of marriage equality last year, laws have been quickly changing across the United States. LGBT couples with or without children weren’t just given the right of marriage, they were provided new protections and benefits within their families. All of a sudden, LGBT couples and families had to figure out how to file jointly when it came to taxes, how to add...

Continue Reading →

Representation of Modern Families in Kid-Friendly Entertainment

by The Next Family March 24, 2016 1 Comment


By Alex Temblador

I recently wrote an article for The Next Family called, “Family-Friendly Films That Feature Adoption and Foster Care,” that shared wonderful family films with adoption or foster care story lines. My reasoning behind doing so was because every family deserves a chance to see similar families like theirs represented in various forms of entertainment.

The same can be said of other...

Continue Reading →