By: Brandy Black
So a while back I themed one of our months “letting go” and I followed up with a blog on that theme but I have never experienced letting go like I am now. As you well know I have been facing some big things in my life, a lot of fears that I never thought I’d have. I’ve been beginning to realize how attached I am to money and things and vacations and a lifestyle that Susan and I have created for ourselves that allows freedom and whimsy. Suddenly when these two babies decided to grace us with their ever-so-welcome presence, I have begun to clinch tight to the things that matter least in this world. I wrote about “riding the river and letting go of the branches” yet here I’ve been for these last three months holding on for dear life, fighting the rapids that baptize me without even understanding what’s happening. Want is a powerful thing and it can oftentimes consume you but I’ve found that if my want isn’t in accordance with what life is giving me it can be an awful ride.
I have been battling nausea, exhaustion, fear, tears, anger, depression and a total lack of control over my entire first trimester. Those close to me probably worried that the strong, fearless (sort of), happy-go-lucky Brandy Black was disappearing and the rocky roller coaster was about to begin. Well I’ll admit I’m not off the ride yet, I am pregnant after all and the hormones can certainly get to you when you let them but I have entered into the happy, blissful second trimester and I’m finding myself in a much more steady place. I’m beginning to realize that money is just money and even though I plan to continue making it and hopefully more of it, it doesn’t define me and it certainly won’t bring happiness. I am realizing that my want needs to align with the understanding of the truly incredible life that I have been blessed with and that to have a clan of family around me, loving me, is all I’ll ever need. I’m really letting go. Letting go of the fear of putting our house on the market in a poor economy with low priced houses or the fear of where we’ll be living in two months or the fear of not making enough money to provide for my family or the fear that I won’t know how to be a mother of three, or the fear that Brandy Black will disappear and I will become an overbearing psychotic mother. I’m letting go of all of this and I’m excited to see what’s around the corner. I’m relieved to not fight anymore. I’m happy to give in and let the large, capable, hands of life wrap themselves around me and take care of me the way they always have and I know, always will.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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