30% OFF Pride collection code: USAPRIDE! Free Shipping over $99

Let’s Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer

by The Next Family June 16, 2011

By: Ann Brown

I’m having such a hard time writing the blog. I’ve been so tired. Just writing that now, I am spent. I must take to the couch with a cranberry and tonic, twist of lime, please. See how tired I am? I cannot even twist my own lime. Which is not a euphemism for anything prurient even though it totally sounds like it should be. Twisting my own lime is a capital thing to call it, isn’t it?  So…sporty. So refreshing. Like a person would smack their lips afterwards and trot off to, say, clean up the oceans.

I bet more people would masturbate if there were agreeable euphemisms for it like “twisting my own lime”.

Although the word “twisting” makes me a little bit nervous. It implies a spinal flexibility that I no longer have. I’d have to tweak it to, I don’t know, gently stretching my own lime or something. Which sounds extremely repulsive and not at all like something that could relieve stress after a bad day or enhance a fantasy that Theodore Bikel is sharing my Jacuzzi.

Finding just the right words for things is a full-time job.  Albeit a non-paying one. And one that does make good use of one’s precious time on this earth. Or of one’s degree in Ethnomusicology. And its quest causes one to hole up in one’s office telling family that she is working on her novel, the novel that is almost done, the novel that will, surely, pay off the Master Card bill when, in fact, she is in there thinking up clever euphemisms for the word “masturbation” for a blog post.

While the Chinese move ahead of us and take over the world.

A man with whom I am relatively newly-acquainted recently wrote the words, “sticking things up my ass” in an email to me. Rest assured the phrase was neither his reply to my earlier query that morning about how he spent his weekend nor was it his suggested activity should he and his wife ever invite Robin and me over.  So I had no reason to be weirded out. I think, in fact, he used the phrase to make it clear to me how much he did not want to come to a class I teach, as in “I’d rather be at home…”

I mulled over his words. “Sticking things up my ass.” Clearly, this is a person who does not while away his days in search of a perfect turn of phrase. Clearly, this man has more important things to do with his time – feeding the poor, perhaps, or recycling, or keeping the Chinese at bay, and thus, he just runs with the first words that come to him so he can get on with living his BEST life, as per Oprah’s last wish to us.

Me, I am still here, trying to figure out how to end this post. I’m sorry, America.

The post Let’s Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer appeared first on The Next Family.

The Next Family
The Next Family


Leave a comment

Comments will be approved before showing up.

Also in Parenting

Modern Fitness For the Modern Parent

by The Next Family March 25, 2016


Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian

By Laura King

Life can get busy. With work, kids, family commitments, friends, chores, and the general chaos of everyday life, it can be near impossible at times to sit down for a cup of tea, let alone squeeze in an hour of exercise regularly. However, all things are possible if you set your mind to them. Those that prioritize their fitness nearly...

Continue Reading →

Estate Planning: The Basics For LGBT Families

by The Next Family March 25, 2016

With the passage of marriage equality last year, laws have been quickly changing across the United States. LGBT couples with or without children weren’t just given the right of marriage, they were provided new protections and benefits within their families. All of a sudden, LGBT couples and families had to figure out how to file jointly when it came to taxes, how to add...

Continue Reading →

Representation of Modern Families in Kid-Friendly Entertainment

by The Next Family March 24, 2016 1 Comment


By Alex Temblador

I recently wrote an article for The Next Family called, “Family-Friendly Films That Feature Adoption and Foster Care,” that shared wonderful family films with adoption or foster care story lines. My reasoning behind doing so was because every family deserves a chance to see similar families like theirs represented in various forms of entertainment.

The same can be said of other...

Continue Reading →