By: Heather Somaini
Mother’s Day was this past Sunday and Tere and I got a lot of questions about how we celebrate. The babies were only a couple months old when our first Mother’s Day approached. I was all set with letting Tere “have” the whole day and suggested that I “get” Father’s Day. Tere flatly refused. I tried to argue a bit but it didn’t work out very well. So to this day, we simply “share” Mother’s Day. It’s not a great arrangement. I’m hoping that as the kids get bigger, they figure out a better solution.
But in the meantime, what do we do with Father’s Day? Somehow, the kids have decided that that’s their grandfather’s day which I think is a pretty elegant solution, to say so myself! So the twins will go to Color Me Mine again soon and make their Opa his own tragically painted coffee mugs that he will feel obligated to use until one day when he opens the dishwasher and miraculously they’ve disintegrated. He’ll feel sad but on the inside, he’ll quietly celebrate and lovingly return his mug with antlers back to its rightful place on the counter. Yeah, he’s weird like that – but he’s ours.
So that brings me to today’s list of things I can’t believe I’ve done. As a mom, there are situations no one else is ever put in. They’re embarrassing and terrible and only with other moms do you even mention them. They’re also hysterically funny and I recently laughed until I cried recounting one to a friend. I have done things that normal people shouldn’t have to do. I’ve done things that I really don’t want to keep doing but fear I will keep doing for some years to come. I warn you, the following list is graphic and contains many references to poop.
1. I drug my children.
I wrote on Wednesday about the miraculous powers of Baby Tylenol. Enough said.
2. I throw away pooped-on underwear.
This past weekend, my daughter had a poop accident at IKEA. I threw her underwear away and she had to go underwear-less until we got home. At least I didn’t let her go play in Smaland without underwear under her dress!
3. I watched Tere use a breast pump in the car.
Driving home from an event in Orange County, Tere used a portable (battery powered) breast pump in the car. I’m glad it was relatively dark and passing motorists didn’t notice – sort of.
4. I have left events.
We were at the beach once and Tere was unceremoniously pooped on. As some of our friends were arriving, I packed up all our gear, put my family in the car and drove away. You just can’t stay at the beach when the Mama has poop all over her white linen shirt.
5. I have intentionally confused my kids.
I used to sing “Old MacDonald” and would confuse my kids with animals like snakes. Try it – it’s very difficult to sing “sssssssss sssssss ssssss”.
6. I have let my kids pee in public.
At the park, at the beach, pretty much anywhere – I will let our son and even sometimes our daughter pee in public if it’s too hard to get to a bathroom. Dads LOVE this.
7. I have incriminating baby photos.
We have taken pictures of the twins that will haunt them as teenagers. I can’t wait for the first boyfriend or girlfriend I get to show them to!
8. I have had whole conversations about my kids’ poops.
It’s so sad but not only have I had conversations with the kids about how amazing or gigantic their poops are but I’ve then recounted those entire conversations to adults. I swear I DID go to college!
9. I kiss and hug on my kids until they beg me to stop.
They really do. They think I’m weird. I try not to do it in public. I can’t get enough of them.
10. I’ve played “fetch” with my kids.
Exhibit A below. I videotaped our baby son fetching my Blackberry.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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