By: Carol Rood
So I know I took a break to talk about my stepdaughter, but I have to finish my and K’s story so you know why I even have a stepdaughter. I think I left off when I realized that I was falling in love with K. That was actually 11 months after we first met. The months before that realization we had become best friends. We were together all the time, at work and after hours. She had her family and I had mine, but we would talk on the phone every night, and had a coffee “date” every week.
We became very close, and as my marriage was crumbling and her relationship was crumbling our relationship was strengthening. It was one day when we were shopping and she was trying on clothes that I realized I had fallen in love. I had always thought K was very beautiful, and was envious of her tall, lean figure and blonde hair and blue eyes. From the first time I met her I thought she was beautiful. But that day in the Macy’s dressing room, as I watched her try on a pair of brown corduroy pants (I can still see them on her) I realized that what I felt for her was more than just a best friend. I was stunned by my realization. I also knew she was a straight girl, and although I had a feeling that she may have thought about a relationship with a woman in her past, she had never actually been in one. I had. I knew the signs. My gaydar went off with her, but in a very subtle way.
So we continued hanging out. My feelings kept on growing, but I knew it was a moot point. Although her relationship was crumbling, I was not about to get my heart stomped. One night we went out with a bunch of other girls for a girls’ night out. K kept dancing with the other girls, and I was getting really jealous. She never asked me to dance with her. She kept coming over and standing behind me (she is taller than I am) and putting her arms around my neck and saying in my ear “I love you to death.” Then she would run off and dance with the other ladies. She was trashed…in a bad way. I didn’t think much of her comments, although they stung because I really did love her, and I knew she loved me in a platonic way, not in the way I loved her.
So the night was over and we had a designated driver to drive us home. I put K in the back of the car so she could lie down. (Did I mention she was trashed?) I was shocked when I leaned her down in the back seat and she grabbed me and planted a kiss right on my lips! I stood up so fast and looked around. The last thing I wanted was for our designated driver to have seen that kiss! Remember, we were all in the Navy on Active Duty, and this happened in the days of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”. I was sure we could play it off as a drunk girl not knowing what she was doing, but I didn’t want to risk it.
K was spending the night at my house that night and I had a difficult time getting her in the door and in a bed. (Did I mention how trashed she was?) I had to practically carry her. When I laid her down, she kissed me again and told me she loved me. I kept telling her to tell me when she was sober. I didn’t want to assume that what she felt when drunk would be the same when she was sober. I didn’t want to make any assumptions that could break my heart. I also didn’t want to lose my best friend.
The next morning I drove K home, and dumped her into her bed. I stayed with her most of the day because she had such a bad hangover. I cried a lot too. I cried because I knew how I felt, and I knew that the previous night was going to change our relationship forever. I knew she would dump me as her friend if she realized she kissed me and my heart would be broken.
I had no choice but to wait and see what would happen next…
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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