By: Kerrie Olejarz
After multiple (and late) pregnancy losses and the overwhelming feeling of being a failure as a creature of god meant to bear children, I had to figure out a way to let go or at least deal with all the negative feelings. After each loss, people would say to me “you can try again.” These words were not comforting to me because nobody knew how horrible I felt and how extreme the loss was. Feeling horrific guilt yet really having nothing to feel guilty about was a daily struggle. Sickened into depression at the sight of a pregnant woman and trying to muster up a “congratulations” as friends announced their pregnancies seemed harder as the years went on. How could I not be happy for others? I wondered. I am cursed –not they –I should wish them well. And why is there such value placed on a woman and her ability to carry a baby? Why was society judging me and my shortcomings? I had to figure out how to dump these emotions and turn a positive corner. Somehow I had to let go of all the negative baby baggage from the past, but how?
I can loudly state that 15 years after our first loss, I have not let go of these thoughts completely. I have not figured it out, but have started to embrace the idea that I was put on this planet to help others more than to help myself. For a few years now we have struggled to have a baby working with a surrogate and in this time I have had to embrace a positive outlook based on hope. I have hoped for our own success, and have gotten to know other intended parents from around the world for whom I have hoped for, too. I can now muster up some positive words of encouragement, but sadly, only to the infertile people of the world. If you need a surrogate, egg donor, or sperm donor, I can drop my emotions from the past and let go of all my anger and heartache for you, because sadly, you understand me.
I have become very emotionally selective. If you are extremely close to me and announce a pregnancy, I can somehow share your joy, especially if you have a history of procreation drama. I will champion your optimism like a team captain! I guess in some strange way, I am working through letting go of the past and moving forward to the future. I guess it is ok for me to choose whom I drop my past emotions for based on their current situation. I am optimistic that one day all of this will blend together and will be a unilateral playing field where the “other” people warrant my support as well. I think my turning point will be when I finally have a child of my own to love and cherish. I think. Some may think I need severe emotional help and others may validate my emotions and understand where I come from. For now, I continue to spread the word of optimism if you are worthy in my books. I sound self righteous and I am far from that. I am broken, beaten, and entitled to my choices and opinions. One day I will let go of my past…just not today.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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