By: Danny Thomas
If the weather holds, we’ll have missed the point…
here’s what’s been going on…
time’s are tough, it’s winter, money’s tight.
life is busy, there isn’t enough time or cash to do all the things I want to do.
but, we are settling in to 2011 after wrapping up a year of tremendous adjustment and accomplishment.
I have been spending time reflecting…
no, that’s not exactly true, I have been trying to find time to reflect —
on finding myself here, now, at this point in my life, approaching 40. And on where we are as a family in a new place, ready to plant new roots, start new careers, begin school, and dance lessons, and soccer.
My babies are growing up – I have a five-year-old and a two-and a half-year old.
How am I ever going to keep up?
I need 12 more hours in the day,
I wish I had time to play music and rebuild guitars.
I wish I had time to go out and have drinks with friends – maybe see some live music or take in a movie.
I wish I could spend an afternoon at the spa getting a mani/pedi, a facial, and a massage.
I wish I had time to sit around the house watching old movies and having a lazy day.
I wish I had time to write more.
I want to build a computer.
I wish I had time to read more, I have books and books I want to read — parenting books, a couple biographies, fiction and non-fiction, a giant stack.
I want to get all those stacks of paper in the office organized.
I want to exercise more – get fit – so I have a better chance of keeping up with those kids.
I wish I had the dollars to afford to do all of that stuff.
But I also know that getting hung up on what I don’t have is an insipid and dangerous mental game – as the old saying goes: you can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster. Sometimes I just have to fantasize a little, and make a list or two of what I’d like to do. I also think there is abundance in gratitude, and the more appreciation you have for what you have, the more you see the bounty; and the more you see it the more it comes to you.
I know that may be idealistic, or come across as naïve, but it seems like a natural extension of the laws of physics…like is attracted to like – bountiful thoughts, bountiful energy attract more bountiful energy…I am reminded of the truth of this on a regular basis when putting my girls to sleep; if I am edgy, thinking about all the other things I want to do with my evening or cranky because of a long day, my children take longer to let go and fall asleep. But when I relax with them… well, that is the best way to get them to unwind.
Anyway, knowing on an intellectual, or even an emotional, intuitive level that this is true doesn’t make it any easier to put into practice some days… some weeks…
But I have faith in my blessings and hope for my bountiful life and even on the hard days I find sweetness and delight…
Sacrifice and compromise, character-building, at least that’s what they say…
I guess I just have to get used to this ever-changing life, give up hoping for any notion of ever truly “settling in” and accept the fact choosing to spend my time one way means I don’t get to spend it nine other ways, every time…
And also hold on to the hope that as we progress things will find balance and we’ll work out ways to fit it all in, at least some of the time…
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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