My wife doesn’t want to have two babies. And it’s not having twins that she’s worried about.
I have been clinically depressed for more than half of my life and I have wanted to have a baby for a lot more than half of my life. These two facts don’t complement each other well, if at all, but they are facts that I deal with daily. Being a lesbian is just an added barrier when it comes to conceiving, but at the end of the day, it’s not necessarily the fact that I’m married to a woman that makes this near-life-long dream so complex; it’s my health.
My wife has never had any desire to carry a child. I, on the other hand, can’t imagine going through life without the experience of having a baby growing inside of me. She could take or leave having kids and be quite happy with either choice. I don’t think I’d ever come to terms with not expanding our family.
I was in my mid teens when I was diagnosed with clinical depression, about four years after the symptoms started. I was finally hospitalized after my first suicide attempt at age 17. For eight months straight. This would be the start of my five-year stint in and out of psych wards, trying handfuls of medications that did nothing for me. I eventually graduated from high school, even got accepted to a really good college and started studying there, but ultimately, it became clear that living was going to be something that didn’t come naturally for me.
Over a decade later, I am married to an incredible woman who I love madly and who loves me. I finished my degree. I work full-time in a good job. I own a condo, or at least a mortgage. I even keep two little kitten heartbeats beating in my home. Despite the constant fight against depression, I have found a balance that works. Living is finally more natural and life is pretty good. But it’s also childless. So very, very childless.
My wife knows how important having a child is to me, and after weighing all of our options, we are on the road to conception. We are currently working with my psychiatrists and reproductive health doctors to help me carry a baby healthily. At one of our appointments, I asked my psychiatrist whether my baby would be safe. My wife asked him whether I’d be safe. She’s not scared of losing the baby; she’s scared of losing me.
I am hesitant to tell anyone that I am planning to stay on some of my medication during pregnancy. This does not make me a bad mother, or a bad person. I’m actually doing this for the health of my baby too.
In all honesty, if it were completely up to me, I would risk my health to have a baby. I would risk losing myself in the epic battle to darkness again if it meant that my ultimate dream of being a mother would come true. But it is not just me in this relationship. My wife deserves a healthy, functioning partner. The baby deserves two healthy, functioning moms as well.
I don’t want my wife looking after two babies. That’s not fair.
Instead, I want us to look after our baby together.
[Photo Credit: Bored by Woo]
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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