By: Danny Thomas
Well it’s a new year, and
Maybe out of natural course,
Maybe because that’s what everyone else does
(maybe those are the same thing)…
I have been thinking about change
I don’t care much for resolutions.
Here’s the thing;
I spent much of my teen years,
Like so many of us,
Filled with an antipathy for myself so profound
It was at times paralyzing.
I spent a lot of that time making lists
Ways I could be better…
Things I needed to stop messing up.
Ways I needed to change.
Eventually I realized that this was not a healthy pattern for me.
It caused a lot of guilt, negative feelings, inadequacy, helplessness…
At some point either through self reflection or good advice it occurred to me that a more enlightened approach might be to work on accepting my flaws even as I worked to improve my character.
So I guess I resent resolutions; they remind me of an ugly adolescent memory.
Earlier this week
My daughter had her Winter Program
A 10 minute performance of a handful of holiday-oriented song type things…
The climax was Jingle Bells.
It had been rescheduled from mid-December, due to blizzard.
She and I spent the afternoon running errands
And hanging out at home.
We were all very excited for the program.
We had to pick up Jen and Zilla on our way…
I misjudged the time.
We missed the program.
I was mortified.
Jen was livid.
So, here’s the thing;
For me there is only one,
And really only ever has been one, resolution.
I want to be better.
I know we are human,
We make mistakes.
We are forgiven.
We learn to accept our flaws
But we want to be better too…
It is a force of nature.
Driving evolution, we want to grow, change, expand…
I make lots of little mistakes, I let people down, hurt feelings
But this was a big letdown.
All I could do was own up.
There was nothing to say but Sorry.
I guess, in this situation,
I learned to stop there.
In some way
I got better.
I still haven’t forgiven myself…
I wonder which one of us will hold on to it the longest…
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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