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Two Dads Are Adopting

by The Next Family January 11, 2011

By: Chris Coyne

I am not really sure if I was the one who pushed for adoption or if it was Jon.  I am sure we both questioned if it was right along the way. We breezed through the home study.  It was a bunch of paperwork, fingerprinting, a doctor’s visit, and a crappy autobiography.  I would say the more you put into it the more you will have to explain later.  After you send in all your paperwork you have to visit with a social worker a couple of times to make sure your house is fit for a little person and to screen you out if you are some kind of a bad person.  I felt the pressure when we were in the middle of it.  Looking back, I know I should have eased up a bit.  I was so worried the social worker was looking for something wrong with us that I was a wreck.  I cleaned the house like a mad man the day before she came over.  I had a checklist of what the social worker was looking for.  I put our Tylenol in a box with a key.  I put up smoke alarms in all the rooms.  I even got the huge fire extinguisher.  At the end of it we received a certificate stating we had completed a home study.

We found an agency that was close to us and highly recommended by friends of a friend.  They were a very happy and lucky gay couple who “matched” with a birthmother (“baby mama”) a few weeks after they contacted with said agency.  We put together a “Dear Birthmother” package filled with a cheesy letter from us and a bunch of pictures we had taken over the last few years together.  We were told by the head of the agency that we were sure to match in a few months. Wow!  Months???  This was great news and we started to get really excited.

Every month we would get an email from the agency.  The email was designed to let us know that the agency was indeed working hard.  They had presented our profile to such and such on this day and they had matched with another couple.  As the months piled on we started resenting the monthly emails and eventually asked them to stop sending them to us altogether.  At first it was so exciting to go through the names and dates but then we realized that these women were not choosing us.  It was hard.

After a year and a half of waiting and wondering we received a phone call from our case worker.  A woman had chose us but she had one question for us.  She needed to know if we were vegan.  She wanted her child to be raised by a gay vegan couple and we had not specified this in our “Dear Birthmother” letter.  Well, no, we are not vegan, but we were willing to drop meat, dairy, and our leather couches for a match.  This was passed on to the birthmother but we never heard anything back.

A few months after the vegan woman we were contacted again by the agency.  It’s funny, looking back.  Some of this is hard to explain.  This time it was a young woman who lived in New Jersey.  She had chosen us out of 126 prospective adoptive parents.  She had a three-year-old and she was expecting identical twin girls.  It is impossible to write how excited we were at this moment.  We were going to be fathers.  We were going to have twins!  This woman had chosen us to parent her unborn children.  This was going to be the ride of our life.  We spoke to the birthmother on the phone later that afternoon.  It was an akward conversation.  When we got off the phone we were sure we had messed it up.  After the call our attorney called us and we had matched!!!  She was 35-weeks pregnant and she was sure she would not make it full-term.  We were on the next flight to New York.

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