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My First Ever Holiday Card

by The Next Family January 09, 2011

By: Ann Brown

drunk and smoking

Hello to all my friends!

Yes, it’s me. So, first of all, I guess I better come clean to those of you who thought I was out of the country, dead or back in grad school: I’m not. I just made up those excuses because I didn’t want to answer my phone when you called. Sorry. I owe particular apologies to those who left me urgent messages that your car had run into a ditch or broken down in a bad neighborhood and pleaseplease please could I come get you. My bad. In my defense, I had just gotten home and taken off my bra.

So. Another year, huh? Amazing. Seems like just yesterday I was crying out to God to release me from the fresh Hell of 2010, and, voila! 2011.

You can see from my photo that I am doing well.

I’m rocking the bifocals old school and I got my Prozac-to-Xanax-ratio down right so I expect 2011 to be a much smoother year. And I hear they are bringing back parmesan and basil Wheat Thins, so there’s that. So many riches, if one only cares to look around.

There was less hooch around the Strangemomabode this year, as I found myself between wines. And anyway, you know the old joke, right? The one Allan Phillips just told me right now?

Why don’t Jews drink alcohol?
Because it dulls the pain.

You can’t see me but I am laughing so hard right now. I love the humor of our people.

So, what to say about 2010?

Cheney didn’t shoot anyone in the face this year and that was a huge disappointment to me; happier news arrived, however, when our local Mayor was stripped of her powers after it was revealed that she lied about being a college graduate. This story alone makes me glad I live in a small town where you can blow hot lies outta your ass straight into the public’s face and no one will vet you for at least fourteen months after you’ve taken office.

I embarked upon a beauty and health regime in 2010, in that I have given up hope of possessing either of those things ever again. And, unlike the time I gave up carbs for twenty minutes, I believe I can really stick to this plan. Plus, now I have the time to stare in writing-block panic at my blank computer screen, not answer the phone, and feel bad that I tell so many lies to get out of doing shit.

What else? Oh, the the dog died, Robin got cancer and all my underpants shrunk, like, four sizes. Yes they did. Shut up.

I love you all, I mean it. And I am only sorry that I will be so unavailable in the coming year, what with my leaving the country, being dead and going back to grad school.

Air kiss.


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