By: Heather Somaini
I was on a flight to France last Friday and even as you read this, I’m still not home. As our plane headed out over the dark ocean and then turned back, revealing our City of Angels with city lights as far as you can see, I became dreamy and wistful of happy endings like in the movies. They always resolve everything in two hours and everyone is where they’re supposed to be with the right outcomes.
I realize that my happy endings are only valuable if I earn them. Anything that I get too easily must not have been worth much in the first place. Looking back to five and a half years ago, I’m sure I was infinitely frustrated that our process to start our family was not coming easily. I wonder if I would have devalued it if it had happened sooner and easier.
Some people say that we manifest our lives either very far in advance or maybe on a daily basis. Hard work was instilled in me young and it clearly has guided a lot of things in my life. I wish I didn’t take it so seriously and could have manifested an easier go of it. I’m sure Tere would have appreciated it too!
If you remember, I thought Tere and I had agreed that she would try 4 times to get pregnant and if it wasn’t working, we would move on to me. Well, we had already tried 3 times when we miscarried so she only had one more try left. We discussed expanding to 6. I was willing. Tere, of course, had always planned on 6 so this wasn’t really a discussion as much as it was her helping me see her point of view on the whole thing.
We took the month of December off as Dr. C suggested and sat on the sidelines and watched everyone around us actively engaged in the game. Tere didn’t want to waste any more time and was itching to get back on the field.
We met with Dr. S to decide what to do next. He highly recommended moving to IVF entirely because of Tere’s age but we just weren’t there yet. We felt that if she got pregnant on Clomid, she had a good chance again on it or some other fertility drug. Dr. S was clearly frustrated at our hesitancy but agreed to start Tere on injectable fertility drugs.
On January 9th we started again. This time we had lots of vials in the refrigerator and lots of needles in the bathroom. Tere’s pretty afraid of needles so I gave her every injection. She even came home early from a corporate retreat so I could handle it for her. It’s very off-putting to poke your beloved with a sharp needle, repeatedly day after day. I hate causing others pain and although she said it was fine, it didn’t feel quite right.
As time passed and the drugs became more complicated -requiring mixing and different gauges of needles, I became quite proud of my new skill set. I felt a little like a mad scientist with all of my vials and needles and other mad scientist items neatly laid out on the counter in our master bathroom. I know what you’re wondering and the answer is YES, of course everything was lined up and organized by color or size or something!
By the end of January, we knew that Tere was not pregnant. We tried again. By mid-February she was again not pregnant. Dr. S changed fertility drugs and we started again.
Tere had one try left.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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