By: Heather Somaini
Sleep. It’s good to sleep when you don’t want to think or feel. It was the day after Tere’s D&C procedure, Saturday. I had to be down south for a class I was taking so I let Tere sleep in.
The funny thing about a loss like a miscarriage is that you think you have it all under control and you’re completely logical about it. I understood what happened and even knew it was common – my brother and sister-in-law had the exact same thing happen earlier that year. But this kind of loss eats away at you slowly, turning your soul black, a tiny bit at a time. You don’t notice it at first and then six months down the road you realize you’re miserable and angry and the last person anyone wants to spend time with. And I’ll be honest, I don’t think that loss and that blackness goes away until you have a baby in your arms. It’s the only thing that makes you forget about the baby you pinned your hopes and dreams on. It’s the oddest experience and no one warns you; there’s no real advice from anyone coming your way. Everyone just wants you to move on as if it never happened.
I came back from my class in the early afternoon and our new fabulous coffee table had been delivered. Tere was sad, staring at our new piece of furniture. I took this Jonathon Adler ceramic bull and put it on the table. Tere and I looked at each other and shook our heads no – it was way too small. Tere said that she had seen a ceramic horse at the store that would look great. It was the right size and proportion for the table. We agreed it would be perfect but silly expensive. I said we could go “look”. What would be the worst? We might find something else we like that wasn’t so pricey.
We drove down from our sanctuary on the hill to the Jonathon Adler store on Melrose. We found the horse. It was awesome and perfect. We found a second slightly smaller horse that was pretty awesome too. Tere was trying to decide between the two. I said “yes”. Tere smiled. Every time I give Tere a choice between two things, she says “yes” – meaning that she refused to make a decision and wanted both. She knew she didn’t have to decide between the horses. It was a great moment. Nothing had changed but for that fraction of that day she was happy. I smiled.
I took Tere and our two new horses home. We spent a tremendous amount of time determining exactly how they should be arranged on the coffee table. We may have even had a glass of wine and sat staring at them for a long while enjoying the silence.
I wouldn’t necessarily recommend retail therapy; it’s a quick way to go broke. But in this circumstance, I think it was a perfect way to get that smile. It was totally worth it. I think we stayed in the rest of the weekend and hid from the world. We ordered in our favorite food and I went out to get whatever Tere wanted. It was time that we needed just to be us and to know that we were ok – with or without a baby.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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