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We Gotta Get Out Of This Place

by The Next Family June 29, 2010

By: Ann Brown

Road trip tomorrow.

Here’s what I’ve packed:

Five books, two magazines, tweezers, a journal,  a hundred little envelopes of EmergenC, Tylenol, Say YES To Carrots 15 Minute Hair Mask, two books on CD, Trader Joe’s peanut butter pretzels, non-mushy Braeburn apples, and a bathing suit that I am afraid to try on because there is no way it is going to fit.

Here’s what Robin has packed:

The little vial of Kama Sutra edible oil that I bought him as a joke in 2004.


His vision: front seat blow jobs on I-5, hotel sex, shade.

My vision: back seat naps on I-5, hotel maid service, sun.

Why do couples even travel together? When I rule the world, men will go on safe-sex/adventure junkets and women will stay at beachfront resort spas. When we return from our respective vacations, we will meet at, say, Denny’s, for a Grand Slam breakfast and then catch a romantic comedy matinee before going home together to snuggle and nap. And then, maybe when we wake up, we will have sex. IF the house is clean.

I am not a travel junkie. I used to be a bit of one, but now when I leave home it’s just so everyone will get off my ass about it. I fantasize about being put on house arrest. I was so jealous of Martha Stewart when she was incarcerated at her 150-acre farm in upstate New York. If I thought I could get a sweet deal like that, I’d get me a crooked broker today.

I especially hate staying in other people’s houses when I travel. Yuck. And yes, I realize that my friends’ bedspreads contain way less stranger semen than can be found at your Interstate Red Lion Inn, but still. I really should just travel in a Hefty trash bag with two eyeholes cut out.

Here’s what I LOVE about traveling, however:

Takeout cups with lids and straws.  I love refilling my cup with ice and soda and climbing back into the car. Or having the flight attendant refill my glass.

I also love food in single serving packages. And that paper strip on a hotel toilet. And maps. Maps soothe me; they reassure me that I am somewhere between where I’ve been and where I am going to be.

I love putting my dirty laundry in the plastic bag the hotel provides. I enjoy watching as the ratio of clean clothes in the suitcase to dirty clothes in the plastic bag moves from heavy on the clean, to 50/50, to heavy on the dirty, because I know I am nearing home. Or that I get to go shopping for more clothes.

I love making a miniature home out of my plane or car seat, setting up my shit where I can reach it, taking pleasure in the orderliness of it all.

As fucked up as I am, I am pretty easy to please. And at this point, with ten months of rain under my belt, I will totally just set up a beach chair on the fucking Interstate wherever the the clouds disappear, crack open a book and call it a vacation destination.

Honk if you see me. And, while you’re up, wouldja mind refilling my ice?


Ann Brown

The post We Gotta Get Out Of This Place appeared first on The Next Family.

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