I have lifted myself up from my crippling emotional state enough to brush the past off and move on to the next phase. Our doctor has determined that there is a distinct possibility that I am not able to bear children unless with another’s eggs. Remember that fortune I got? So he has suggested that we move forward with my wife’s eggs in my body. Not a half bad idea! As a matter of fact, this was the original concept when my wife and I first started discussing having children. We quickly dismissed the idea as it was way too expensive. Now, it all makes sense. I feel strangely better, like this was the place we needed to get to in order to have a child.
After having a 4-hour dinner with a good friend of ours she recommended that we go to a healer to release some of the pain that we have been holding onto through this process. Being the cynic that I am, I resisted, but my partner, unbeknownst to me, made the appointment. We went…and I mocked quietly as we visualized our spines twisting further each time we pulled our hands slowly from the front of the room to the back like human protractors about to snap in half. We created visualization timelines and jumped back and forth on the mental highway forgiving the past and making space for the future. I saw my 2-year-old daughter in grey speckles fading in and out raising her tiny hands to me but I could not hear her words. I wanted so badly for the pictures to be clear but my stubborn mind kept resisting so I couldn’t allow myself to submerge in the vision that our healer was extending. It was as if I were in a bad dream from which I couldn’t wake. I found myself wanting to hold on to the pain to protect myself for the future. This is my shield that I have built for 2 years, how dare you strip that from my cold bloody hands and ask me to stand naked and ready to be robbed again? Though she did, simple as that, request the obvious task- let it all go.
We left and I was sore inside and raw outside and I was confused as to what the hell happened in there. We got in our individual cars (we had met- each coming from work) and drove away. My phone rang a few minutes later and my wife asked how I felt and it was then that I realized that I had let go.
[photo credit: Flickr member Shenghung Lin]
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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