Today I got my period. Another bloody reminder of what I already knew and spent the last week crying about. I know it’s a rough part of the process and one day I will have my family in one way or another but I can’t help but shout at the top of my lungs “THIS SUCKS!”. I have made a friend who has been helping me along in the IVF process. I don’t really know her; she is a friend of a friend. It’s really pretty awkward talking about such personal intimate details with a stranger in another state but I feel closer to her than my own partner sometimes simply because she is the only one that “gets it”. My “buddy” called to share the news that she is pregnant. It’s her first IVF round and she is pregnant! I’m really excited for her and happy and inspired but I can’t help but wonder if this is where we part. She goes on to the “got pregnant before me” list and I shut down because she is now another person that I have to disappoint with my failed attempts at pregnancy.
She kept saying:
You’re next, it will happen, I know it will.
-I know. I know.
I don’t know. I really don’t. Two days after I got Dana’s exciting news I heard about another friend of a friend that found out she wasn’t pregnant from IVF and has decided to give it up and move on to adoption. Well there you have it. No one can say for sure which path I will take. I would be lying if I said I don’t care which it way it turns out- I do care. I have been trying so hard and for so long and have spent so much money. I care.
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Originally published on The Seattle Lesbian
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