The Starbucks Holiday Cup Wars Are Officially Back

matt baume

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Just in case you thought the country would be healed and everyone would be fine after the election is over, Starbucks has given us a little preview of our annual Christmas-cup battle with their new “unity cup.”

The cup, which is not specifically for Christmas, is green with a white circle and shows a bunch of people all standing together in good spirits. BLASPHEMY. If you need a reason to complain about it, maybe note that it’s a reminder of how crowded and unpleasant your train ride to work is.

Starbucks says it’s just supposed to represent unity at a divided time, but that hasn’t stopped a freakout from the people who need to feel outrage to know they’re alive.

Generally speaking, the outrage around this time of year comes from religious people who think that everyone should be forced to observe their superstitions in the same way that they do. And for some reason, they believe that decorating a coffee cup is part of their religious tradition. You know that part of the Bible where Jesus reminds the apostles to celebrate his not-actual-birthday by drinking coffee?

So now religious nuts are mad that the cup’s not red, because apparently red is their thing now. It is also how we celebrate gay days at Disneyworld so who even knows.

In conclusion, Hillary Clinton deserves a better country to be president of.

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