Trump Trounces Rubio, Settling That Whole Republican Hand & D Size Debate Once And For All
Well, that about settles the score. Donald Trump trounced Marco Rubio in the Florida’s senator’s home state. It’s votes that matter in this instance, not size, so Trump takes home all the delegates and bragging rights. Rubio now must contemplate his future, which does not involve residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Let’s backtrack a bit to explain why this matters. GOP candidates had one of their few, shall we say, substantial debates–over Donald Trump’s penile length, leaving the rest of us to cope with the PTSD from picturing the 69-year-old billionaire’s package.
Thanks a lot, guys.
In case you’ve forgotten (though, honestly, how could you?), Marco “foam party” Rubio made a startling claim that would seem to detract from his already thin qualifications to be the leader-of-the-free-world-job he so covets. (Although, really, this comment is the least of his disqualifying remarks.)
Referring to Trump, the freshmen senator from Florida told a crowd in Virginia: “He’s, like, 6’2. Which is why I don’t understand why his hands are the size of someone who is 5’2. And you know what they say about men with small hands?”
Trump defended himself on a live televised debate on CNN: “Look at those hands! Are they small hands? And, he referred to my hands–‘If they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.”
Small men of the world unite, and take over! So put aside for a moment the notion of two straight size queens duking it our for the nomination.
The candidates have since turned their focuses to other important campaign issues–Rubio is trying to figure out what the hell he’s going to do after he loses both the Republican nomination for president and his Senate seat, and Trump is mulling over whether he should pay the legal bills of the racist guy who elbow-punched a black protestor in the face during one of his rallies last week.
We, however, can’t stop wondering about that whole hand-size-penis-size thing. Is it true, as Rubio claims, or is it just another one of those random high school myths that, for whatever reason, got carried into adulthood–such as masturbating makes you go blind, it takes seven years for your body to digest chewing gum, or how your hair keeps growing even after you die?
The Republican candidates, not exactly big on science, are unlikely to do the research. So we did a little fact checking.
And here’s what we learned…
According to a study from Gachon University Gil Hospital in South Korea, the size of a man’s hands does not correlate with his penile length. But his fingers do.
Researchers at the hospital gathered information from men who came in for urological surgery, measuring their penis and finger lengths. (With their consent, of course.)
According to the data, the greater the discrepancy between a guy’s index and ring fingers, the longer his penis. The reason? Maybe something to do with prenatal hormone exposure, but they aren’t totally certain.
The kicker: Just because a dude has small hands doesn’t necessary mean he has a small wiener. Score one for Trump. Though, we should probably add, if he feels the need to brag about how huge he is to millions of people on national television, chances are he probably doesn’t quite measure up, regardless of his index/ring finger ratio.