21 Things No Mother Would Ever Say

S Ralph

By: Shannon Ralph

Things Mother's Should Never Say

Since having children, I have said some pretty crazy things. Strings of words come out of my mouth on a daily basis that defy all reason and logic. The phrase, “Snorkels aren’t made for penises” immediately comes to mind. And “Stand still while I lick it off.” On more than one occasion, I’ve uttered the phrase, “Give me that booger right now.”

It’s mind-boggling, really, how parenthood changes all pre-conceived notions of what is socially acceptable to say to another human being. It is a sacred duty to nurture and mold a helpless, squirming infant from birth to adulthood. In our sincere desire to raise our children to be adults who do not lick their own armpits, we suffer through numerous cringe-worthy conversations with our children. Words fly from our lips that baffle our minds and confound our sense of self.

Who is this woman who hasn’t bathed in three days? Who talks about poop at dinner parties? And spits on her children to clean their faces? Who is this raving madwoman with boogers in one hand and a half-eaten dog biscuit pried from the mouth of her adorably tenacious toddler in the other? Where did she come from? And did she honestly just tell her young daughter that the Tooth Fairy got drunk last night and forgot to visit?

Yes, we mothers say some crazy things.

There are, however, certain words no mother would ever utter. Certain phrases no mother would ever consider saying aloud. Below are 21 things I can guarantee you NO mother would ever say:

  1. We do not have enough video games in this house.
  2.  Please come to Target with me! I get so lonely.
  3.  I think I got too much sleep last night.
  4. I can understand you so much better when you are whining.
  5. Of course you can sit on your brother’s head.
  6. Oh, goody! It’s a SpongeBob SquarePants marathon!
  7. You can never have too much sugar!
  8. I find it adorable when you keep asking me if I am mad until I get mad, and then you say, “See, you’re mad.”
  9. I love cleaning up messes I didn’t make.
  10. That tantrum you just threw in the middle of Target totally changed my mind. We’ll buy you two of them!
  11. If there aren’t chicken nuggets on the menu, I don’t want to go!
  12. Ahh…I feel so rested and relaxed!
  13. Please barge in and ask me to get you a cup of juice—right now—while I am sitting on the toilet.
  14. I think you should change your clothes for the fourth time today because I just love laundry so much!
  15. I find it rather refreshing when I go all day without brushing my teeth.
  16. Camping with toddlers is such a relaxing, recharging, get-back-to-nature sort of experience.
  17. I don’t need pills.
  18. I really enjoy taking my three kids grocery shopping with me.
  19. No worries, honey. iPhones are a dime a dozen.
  20. Go play in the cat litter.
  21. My life hasn’t changed at all since having children!

Photo Credit: Flickr image/ Dave Bleasdale 

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