45 Big Fat Lies Parents Tell Themselves Every Day
By: Shannon Ralph
I’m a liar. I will readily admit it. I lie to my children. (“Santa only brings new toys to kids who empty the dishwasher.”) I lie to my wife. (“It was on sale.”) I lie to my doctor. (“I walk on the treadmill every day.”) I lie to my mother. (“Thanks for watching the kids…I’ll just be gone a few minutes.”) I lie to my boss. (“Of course I have the time to do it.”) I even lie to my dog. (“I’ll take you for a walk this afternoon, girl.”)
I am not proud.
As a parent, however, lying is a part of our nature. It is hard-wired into us the moment our children burst into our lives. We tell our children little white lies to protect them. To maintain their innocence. To teach them moral lessons. To make them behave. To preserve our own sanity. But perhaps worse than lying to our children—perhaps even more perverse—is the way in which we lie to ourselves. Below are 45 lies parents tell themselves on a daily basis.
- Fruit Loops contains real fruit and, therefore, is a health food.
- The same can be said of strawberry Pop Tarts.
- The four hours my son spends on Minecraft every day is vocational training for his future career as a brilliant architect.
- Febreze is a perfectly acceptable alternative to doing the laundry.
- No one else’s kids will eat vegetables either.
- Chicken nuggets come from real chickens.
- It’s just a phase.
- My kid wouldn’t do that.
- Yoga pants are sexy.
- I’m just resting my eyes.
- I’m in charge in this house
- My shirt doesn’t smell. I Febrezed it.
- My child is perfect just the way he is.
- I’m going to get dressed today.
- I will not finish her chicken nuggets for her. Or her French fries. Or her slobber-filled chocolate milk.
- This weekend, I’m going to print all of the pictures on my laptop and put them into photo albums. In chronological order.
- He’s not getting sick, it’s just allergies.
- Ketchup is a vegetable.
- So is pizza.
- It’s a documentary, so it must be educational.
- I just turned around for a second.
- If I yell “Stop yelling” really, really loud, the kids will stop yelling.
- I don’t smell anything.
- I did NOT buy my child that toy just so he would shut up.
- I don’t need to check his homework. He knows what he’s doing.
- Video games increase eye-hand coordination just like baseball or soccer.
- And the iPad develops fine motor skills.
- Falling asleep on the couch together watching Portlandia reruns on Netflix is just as romantic as a candlelit dinner out.
- I’ll read to them tomorrow night.
- Captain Crunch is a perfectly acceptable dinner option.
- As is microwave popcorn.
- If I put her hair in a ponytail, it looks clean.
- It’s not a booger.
- I did not lose my temper.
- I don’t use my phone as a sad substitute for real adult interaction.
- Three hours of sleep is plenty.
- I don’t need to pay anyone to trim my daughter’s bangs.
- I’ll only have one glass of wine.
- It’s not what it looks like.
- I’ll shave my legs tomorrow.
- These jeans still fit.
- I’m not crying. I just have something in my eye.
- I’ll do the dishes later.
- My house is usually cleaner than this.
- I’m not lazy. I am teaching my kids to be self-reliant.
Photo Credit: Jeff Turner